These past months have been just really hectic. Full of disappointments or spiritual challenges maybe, I don’t really know. What I know is that last week I was in Switzerland and spent a week in the temple again. I have done more temple work in 2011 than in my whole life as an adult member before I was excommunicated. It does not mean anything but it makes me smile ironically inside. It has not even been a goal. It just happened.
Last week was very very very hard and I knew it was up to me to turn this into a growing experience or just be my old self. It took me two days but I was eventually able to enjoy and benefit from the temple. I now know for sure that even in the temple it requires efforts to obtain the peace we have come to receive even if we are worthy of it.
Long story short: I am giving up on this friendship that has been so important to me for the past ten years. When I exchanged a few messages with this person over the internet I realized that going back to France without all the preparation, tools, weapons that are available would be suicidal and as I have said before I know what we are given here to come victorious out of our trials.
So I asked for a blessing right away. Sometimes when I doubt I should ask for a blessing I remember what a friend of mine answered when I expressed my doubts “Do you want the Lord to bless you?”.
As usually I did not tell the brother what I wanted this blessing for. He did not know me at all. He is German and gave me this blessing in English.
You need to know something before I go on.
There is a special word/code/sentence between God and me. When the brother giving me the blessing says it I know he is inspired. It is a special spiritual experience not only when I hear but also when it is worded the way the brother CAN’T know my state of mind is. Let me be more specific. Let’s say that the “code word” is “table” and I am thinking about a specific table with certain specific details.
Then I hear the brother describing the exact table I am thinking of right before and during the blessing.
I know I am awful because I am putting much pressure on the brother’s shoulders but it is not that bad because they never know of my little code with my Heavenly Father.
So last week I asked this brother for a blessing without telling him why. I talked to him after the blessing to explain to him why I was asking this blessing and I needed to talk anyway because God asked me something I have been scared of doing like hell.
The brother explained to me how blessings works for him. He told me sometimes there are words, sometimes pictures and he turns it into words.
He told me that this time he felt an outpouring of love that he tried to interpret anyway he could. And I know he got it right.
I am one “strong” person. I am not really strong it is just that I have never tamed or bottled up the vibes people get from me when I am experiencing something. If I am in pain or angry, anyone and everyone in a distance of six to seven feet will feel like they have hit violently a wall.
Same goes with positive vibes. And this is my issue.
When I was younger and until I was excommunicated I gave myself away. I have worked my “love power” and I have given it out so much that I have found myself empty, hurt, desperate, weak and so on. I have had the feeling that I had given way too much and eventually to people who did not deserve it OR who may have deserved it but then God had failed me because I was not given as much as I was giving out.
I have learned what had been the mistakes I have made despite my positive disposition. But still after three years back in the church I have the hardest time just wanting to do what I have done in the past but with more wisdom this time. In French we say that a boiled cat is afraid of cold water. It takes so much effort to do what I know God wants me to do, it takes so much strength that I am afraid to use again. I feel like an athlete who got injured in a bad accident and who is back for practice and just can’t do it because of what could happen.
Sometimes over the past three years it has even felt as if I had forgotten how to do it. Love is a spiritual muscle that takes training.
I felt terrible because I felt the gentle urge. Not that the world will stop spinning if I don’t do what He needs me for but He needs me to be who I can be. It feels like I can take as much time as I want as long as I am working out toward the direction I know He has been pointing out. But in the mean time I have felt as if this is extremely important.
As I am typing those words I am scared.
Last sunday I felt crushed because I had been hurt again badly when I thought it was time to recover and I feel what God wants me to do.
I felt like a child on the verge of a swimming pool shaking out of fear and cold and whose father is in the water already and encouraging to jump. He can’t jump for me, He can talk with the sweetest words in the world and use all His persuasive power to make me jump but the leap of faith is mine and He can’t do anything about it.
So I asked for another blessing on Sunday and I jumped without letting my fears paralyzed me again.
As I am typing this words I am in the water and I am trying desperately NOT to drown. I am probably not calm enough so water keeps on getting in my mouth and I am moving my arms and legs too fast to be able to swim properly. I am trying to keep HIs face in my sight hoping He won’t let go of me. I am trying to keep calm so I can hear what is the next step to swim but I know He is already thrilled that I just jumped, He is smiling and eager to tell me the next step. I know because there has been something that I feel compelled to write as a blessing fulfilled although my carnal mind wonders if this is not blasphemous to rise this detail has a promise from God. But a voice tells me that there is more in this than what I can see even if what I see fills me with joy.
I almost interrupted the last blessing on Sunday. Let me tell you this little story: just before receiving it I prayed to create a direct communication with our Heavenly Father. I DID NOT TELL HIM not to use our “secret” code but I really wanted to tell Him that it was ok, I knew the blessing would come from Him even if He did not use it.
Let me repeat it: I DID NOT TELL HIM what was on my mind.
The very first thing the brother told me, and these are the exact words: You already know this but…..(and then the secret word). I almost laughed and I wanted to pull my head out because I knew what were going to be the next words, I knew for the first time in years this blessing was going to be a very, very, very short one. I knew the words that were going to be said. I understand as I am typing these words that it is because I knew what He was going to tell me that I got enough faith in myself to jump. I have all the faith in the world in Him but I have doubted myself until this very minute. I have doubted I was capable of not getting injured again but now that I know for sure that my communication with Him is good enough that I can anticipate what He can tell me…
As I am typing these words again I realize that I am ready to hear His voice even in the water and that I am not franticly moving my arms and legs around.
I leave you this experience in the name of Jesus Christ.