It was hard to come back from the temple.
In Europe, since temples are so far, we often go there for several days most of the time we go for a whole week. we get there on Monday when the temple is closed and we leave on Saturday.
Almost everytime I went to the temple before I was excommunicated the experience was bad in one way or another. somehting would really spoil it. the first time….well it was the first time. When you’re 19 or 21 and you’re going for the first time it is the “first time”. I really regret I had to go there before going on a mission. I wish we had a choice.
So when I got to the temple I tried really hard not to yield to my old negative feelings and tried to let myself be surrounded by the spirit. It is true that you find in the temple what you came with.
After getting properly dressed as I climb the long series of stairs a feeling of unworthiness amost overcame me and made me feel like running away. I felt below dirt. I felt like I had nothing to do here. I realized that this could really not come outside but came from inside. I knew I was worthy to be there and that this feeling did not have a ground to stand on from a gospel aspect. I was able to acknowledge that this came from in me and that it has always been here and maybe will always be here. I understood that this was the button Satan likes to press on one way or another to weaken me. I prayed for these feeling to go away and it did but neither the pain though nor the memory of it, though. I was very troubled by it and I understand a little better how they are things God really can’t go against. We are the ones who can make it go away if we have the will, He can only provide the tools. If I had children I would teach them to use those tools.
During the session I kept on playing with my piercing out of being nervous. Yes, I had an all white piercing just for the temple :P. When the moment came when I was just about to leave the session to go to the Celestial room I realized that my fist was clenched which is not an habit for me at all. This was such a trial for to go though this again but I wanted it so bad and this time I knew how to make it right. I was much better prepared. I really wish I had not been endowed so young. I was worthy of it but absolutely not emotionally ready for it.
So at first I went only once a day cause it was already much for me later during the week I was able to attend it twice. And eventually I was able to slide in a little session just before going back to France.
I am ready to go back now. The temple was the last fear I had to overcome. I wanted to write right away about it but it was really too much emotions and I am getting shy about it. Yes I know it is very different from the beginning of my blog when I hid very little. Now I like to try to make it as cool as possible partly to make my ideas and sentences more clear. I know it also loses a little of its “taste” (I don’t know how to say it another way. I am sorry, I am French. I either had to make a reference to food or sex, what would you have liked better?) but it takes too much energy now to do it the way I used to.
I wish I could share some things about my temple experience. I wish I would truly understand what I want to express. I wish I’d stop intellectualizing everything 😛
Anyway, two days after coming back form the temple was my birthday. This means that it was yesterday. I a got a “what the duck”. I love it. I feel cool with it.