Last week I wrote about Natacha.
I saw her yesterday at a stake primary activity. I went there because it was taking place in a park which means much “green” which means great opportunity for IR picture (the pics I have posted lately are IR pics that I took). I wanted so much to be with her that it was violent. I was very confused by this feeling. Fortunately I HAD to take pics so I was away from the group for about half an hour or maybe a full hour. I don’t know. Time flies when I take pics.
Anyway when I came back to the group she came to me. I would not have come to her cause I was really scared that my “despair” would show. She came to me for another photography lesson and since I had a spare camera I was able to lend to her something to practice what I had taught her.
I came back home FREAKING late and I was miserable today at church (and still actually).
I realized where the violence of the emotion I feel when I see her comes from and why I am happy and in a good mood which is NOT normale when I am tired. AND NO I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH HER! Which sounds like it when reading what I wrote.
The thing is that she gives me something that I did not realize I needed:
I am realizing right now as I am typing this that I have faith but I just don’t have hope.
I fall into my old trap again: I trust and believe very hard anything as long as it is not for me. Like I trust anything good can happened to anyone. I will pray hard and put all my faith into fasting for someone else but I just can’t put as much strength when it is FOR ME. I realize that this the most difficult lesson I have to learn in this life no matter what miracle God brings in it: this kind of hope that makes things happen for real. I thought I had learned it but nope. I wonder if I will ever. I see now what I need. I don’t need what she has (a wonderful husband, a beautiful house in a gorgeous environment, three healthy kids) but what she brings me and I suspect her to bring it to a lot of people because I know she is loved in the stake.
I realize that what people “hit” like a wall when they meet me is not the fact that I am hard but the fact that I just don’t have “hope”. And how are “hope” and “faith” so similar that they can pretty much been used as synonyms? Well they are destroyed by the same thing: fear.