I know

I used an allegory last week with a friend and I think I am right on.

She asked me what I thought of this or this commandment. Are they Telestial or Terrestrial commandments?

I went “uh?”

I am not saying that I did not understand what she meant because I have been raised on this kind of discussion but to me they lead to nowhere so I don’t think with this kind of consideration anymore.

I feel that we are like athletes training for something big. So big that we have little understanding of what it is really. If you look at runners they don’t just train and develop  the lower part of their body that is supposed to carry them every muscle is trained for the race even muscles we don’t see such as the heart. Who would think that back muscles could help win a race?

I feel that everything we are commanded is to help develop a spiritual ability that we don’t understand the meaning of until it is better developed and we can feel the change.

I am sadden by my friends outside the church because I see their potential and how they just won’t trained. I am sadden by the members I see who have so much more than my friends outside the church and who just won’t trained their neck muscles because they don’t see the correlation with winning a race and because there a so little mentions of it in modern day advises, or so they think. I am scared when I see how much I understand to even imagine how much I don’t.

I am grateful for the gospel and for the hope it brings me that no matter how much I hurt in this life it is in the end going to turn out not just ok but beautifully for those who will want and accept the atonement.

Two days ago I was at my Stake President’s home. His wife and I are nursery friends. This is SO crazy to think that we were nursery friends. I mean that in France when I was a child nobody could claim to have been nursery friend with anyone. But here we are. There is a second, third and even fourth generation of members of the church rising in France. I remember her when we were babies and our mother were feeding us in the kitchen of the church. What her mother gave her was way too hot and incidentally I guess it was the same for me. Her mother had taught her to breath in and out really fast with an open mouth to help the food to cool down faster in case it was too hot. So she did and I think my mother pointed it out to me and I thought it was clever (clever babies!). I caught it on and did it after for years.

I am proud to tell you now that now I know better than to eat burning food unless I am way too hungry I guess.

We saw each other twice again when we were teenagers and then we lost track of each other until I came back to the church. I accepted to be dragged to a stake activity where I saw “this” woman and I asked someone if her name was not “Natacha” to which I was answered “of course it is Natacha B the wife of the recently called stake president”. I was really in shock to see someone that was linked to such a tender period when I expected to see only strangers. Of course I told the person not to tell her about me which she immediately ignored and ran to her to tell Natacha about me. I felt so horrible. What I hated in the church just happened: your most simple desire is being ignored for someone’s selfish purpose of being linked to “maybe” a good news that one will be able to brag about because it involves the stake president’s wife.

She glanced at me and did not talk to me.

Months later the stake president told me that he had read the letter I did not want anybody to read but the first presidency. Thanks president. You make me feel even worse. I don’t know you. I did not want someone geographically close to read it and you just told me that you read it. I am so glad (sarcasm)! He told me that he wanted me to talk to his wife because  what he had read was very close to his wife’s story.

Me: “uh?” (again)

I knew her life had been rock’n roll but I had no idea we had so much in common.

She invited me over several times because we never had the time to speak and share about. It is just crazy how much our pains are the same. She can understand everything I say. It feels so good also to have someone close I can share with about spirituality without fearing of what I say being labeled as blasphemous. Basically having someone like Ray (yes, you Ray) but closer AND female AND with memories in common because we were born the same year and spent our first years in the same ward.

Concerning the church activities where I felt so bad because I did not want her to know that I was here and did not feel comfortable enough in the church yet, it was just all so awkward and inappropriate, she told me that she had quickly understood I wanted to be alone and not bothered. I did not really want to be alone and just did not know what I wanted but I definitely felt this was way too much for me and did not want to have to look happy to see again someone that I did not know if she remembered me, if she even cared about me. I did not want her to fake caring when it would have been obviously an effort to her. I am not saying that in the church in France everybody is hypocrite because everybody is sincere. I promise they are sincere it is just that they force themselves to love instead of working toward love. I had hated the church because of that. I saw much neurosis coming from this and I just did not want to be part of it again (I still don’t want).

Natacha understands it more than I would have expected anyone in France to be able to understand.

I have been able to tell her about a spiritual experience when I was excommunicated that I have not written here not told to any leaders of the church (her husband included) because I don’t think that anyone could understand it properly. It felt Heavenly good. It made me catch a glimps of what it is going to be like after. Ou stories may have differences but all what we will say as a response will be “I know” and we will be able to finish each other’s sentance. we will feel emotionnal but won’t cry because the positive feeling will sooth any pain that will come up in our heart and the spirit of God will really bind us.

On a side note: I guess the missionaries back then must have had something very appealing to crazy-nuts-insane young mothers. Just kidding. I have to joke about it I am sorry.

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