I feel like writing

I know I should have come back here sooner but I kept on feeling shy.
I know it sounds a little weird after all that I have written here but it is precisely because of all that I have written.

Many things have changed in my life since I Iast wrote. I am afraid to take a look back to check out when was the last time I wrote and what about.
Somehow I fell I must write and I start identifying this kind of urge.

Two weeks ago after church a brother hurt me in a way that withdrew much strength out of my physical and spiritual body. The following day my mother told me something really horrible and I know it is only a matter of time before she tells me something that will end our relationship.
It was so horrible that I was shaking and I had to ask for a blessing. It took me a week to get over it and I asked for another blessing the following sunday.
I am fine now but if I know my mother issue is something that cannot be solved in this life I have wondered what had driven this brother to hurt me. It is not so much what he said because he is entitled to his own opinion but the way he said it and how much he was deaf to my plead to him to stop saying what he was saying.
I realized that this brother must be not doing too good in his personal life because even if he looks the same he really seem to struggle to look the same. Beside I really think he was only an innocent tool in the hands of Satan to hurt me, to reach my most tender spot.
See I have committed to improve the quality of my sabbath this year. I even hope to be able by the end of the year to fully respect the sabbath as I believe and feel it should be. Kind of funny isn’t it?

Today this brother gave a talk.

I was horrified by something he said and I knew I was the only one in the assistance to be. It is something that I know people in the church think is acceptable and even right to say but I highly disagree. No matter what is the interpretation they have of the scriptures I know what is the general acceptable point of view on the subject is wrong.
Now I don’t fully understand how what I know fits in the plan God has for us but I know that the general opinion or interpretation is wrong just because of its fruits.
I usually don’t think it is worth doing anything and I usually don’t pay attention to talks like that. I wait for them to be over like I wait for rain to stop until I can get out again. But today I left the room and I found a friend of mine who was obviously really in pain. I found out that she had left the room for the same reason as I had but when for me it is just because I felt what was being said was un-acceptable she had left because what was being said was a direct attack to one of her children. Don’t get it wrong. This brother did not know he was doing this. Had he known I know he would have better chosen his words. Yet the pain has been inflicted. I wanted to cry when I realized that she was in pain and why she was in pain. We said a few sentence about it and then she said she wanted to talk about something else because she did not want to dwell in this feeling. We did and I made her test my newly created tiny cinnamon rolls. So in the end we talked about food (we French, nothing sooth us like food or sex but I guess we could not really talk about sex hu?) and my goals for this year.
We both felt better and I know we will never talk about it.

My friend will get over it. or so I hope, but I wish this brother would shut up these days.

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4 thoughts on “I feel like writing

  1. It’s good to read your blog again, even if it’s not good to read about what happened. I wish so much that members could understand better the effects of their words on others and learn to be much kinder in what they say and how they view others. It’s one of the most frustrating things about living with the conflict of the pure Gospel of Jesus Christ and the members (myself included) who can’t understand and live it fully.

    I don’t know what the issue was that hurt you so much, but I can guess – based on what you said about the other sister. I won’t do that here (guess), but please know that I think there are FAR more members who agree with you than you probably realize – almost regardless of what the actual issue is. I don’t know if I agree with you or not in this instance, but I certainly can feel for you and pray you find peace with this and a way to forgive him for inflicting this pain.

  2. I don’t have to forgive this man. It is not like he really meant to hurt. He was merely stupid and I think that it is not his usual way to be.
    He is the ward mission leader and I am a ward missionary yet I have not been able to go to our meetings. Not because I am mad at him but because I needed some time to get over the pain emotionally. And the funny thing is that he has not conveyed me to our meetings. Beside the other day he saw me on the road to church (there is a hill to climb) and gave me a ride to church. I think he feels bad but does not dare to apologize and if he would apologize I would feel bad because I don’t know how to explain to him what kind of pain he caused me without involving my father.
    Beside this brother does not believe the “little” things I tried to make him understand about the life with my father so I don’t think there would be any point telling him about more serious things and it would be very frustrating for me to have him apologizing for something that he can’t/does not want to understand.

    As far as the other issue is concerned I guess this is really what enforced the idea that he really did not mean to hurt me. What he said in his talk was said in such a horrible way that I just did not recognize him at all. I really think that he must going through some hard times and lacks of “recul” (the idea of stepping back. I don’t know the noun for it in English).

  3. Well said.

    Part of dealing with things like this is accepting that “grace” and
    “redemption” cover anything that causes us pain – and those who cause it unintentionally, especially. It sounds like you are handling this in a very mature way.

  4. I was surprised to see your post in my Reader, but happy too. Even if it is because something has bothered you.
    It sounds like you have a good handle on things though.
    I guess the thing to do at this point is to pray for this brother, that he will find his way through whatever is apparently bothering him.

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