I wrote a while back about my best friend and the poor choices she has been making. I knew she was wrong and I could not have been clearer when I told her so. I guess either I am wrong and I could have been or she really chose to use her free agency the wrong way.
I understand our Heavenly Father better when we tell Him “I am going to do that” and He is just screaming “Noooooooooooo” and still we do it. what can He do next? Help us out to get out of the bad situation we put ourself in because He loves us.
It is the same with my friend.
Yet I thought it would take longer before she would find herself in the state that she is in.
She is going crazy, literraly as I have in the same situation. She is hurting a wonderful man who has been with her for close to a decade.
Seeing her hurting this way I have felt anger again because she is writing her own condamnation and I had a feeling of unfairness. See, it is not so much the choice she is making but why she is making them and the fact that I keep on telling her the why and the how because I have been there but it does not seem to matter. If I should get exalted I am just not interested in getting there without my loved ones which includes her. I owe her so much and I can’t imagine eternity without her to stimulate me on an intelectual level and more. I just can’t imagine somehing that is worth not having her around anymore.
I know this kind of anger, I have felt it before and I know what it has lead me to feel and chose and do.
First I know that I need to sleep better because being tired damages my ability to see clear and to feel the spirit.
I know it sounds very “mortal” but i can tell the value of the word of wisdom.
Second what I have been doing has been to go to the bishop to tell him about what is bothering me. Not that he can do something for me, this kind of situation is way beyond his understanding but I need him as a bishop because I need to “check” myself.
Third I know I am doing good (not wonderful but good is great already) with my scripture reading and prayers and I need to keep this up. Something that excommunication has helped me with is that I have strictly no problem with expressing my anger at God. I know He finds my concern really slight compared to what He thinks is good for me but this is how I feel and I need to know that He knows to. I need to be sure that He knows that very little matters more to me than her being ok AND being with her if I should get exalted. And I intend to do my best to deserve it.
She is my best friend and this are not light words, this means something to me.
I have felt strongly an answer after expressing my feelings to God, I have felt that this is not really my business but His. He is aware of my feelings but He won’t stop her from doing what she wants the same way He has not stped me. I also felt that it is taken care of but I have an issue with this: Faith. If I don’t know or if I don’t see for myself I have a hard time trusting the way I should.
I don’t want to be told that she is taken care of I want to see how for myself. I want evidences. I want papers signed up with His own hand writting.
I know this is ridiculous too.
So I am just letting go and trying to be a friend as much as I can because honestly I am getting mad at her sometimes.
I have invited her boyfriend to the restaurant. I thought he needed to hear some things and I still think he needs to but I quickly found out he needed to be listened more than anything else. I felt bad for thinking I was going to tell him I wanted to be his friend and then starting to explain to him things that are true but that he does not need.
So things may turned out bad for my best friend but I will be there for her and if her couple should really explode as we are all expecting I hope I can be a friend for her boyfriend to as I claim to be.