It is easy to become a member.
It is even easier to leave it or to be excommunicated.
But it is much much much harder to come back.
When you get excommunicated, if it is not a matter of losing your testimony and if you understand everything clearly you feel as I felt:
Well I screwed up and I have strictly no evidence that my effort to come back will qualify me for half of the blessings I lost when I got excommunicated. According to God’s own law I am better off living a righteous life OUTSIDE the church than trying INSIDE.
Sometimes I think the atonement can clean it all and those days I feel spiritually powerful and ready to take down mountains. I feel like I am going to do it all with His guidance and power because I know this power I feel that could be mine is really His.
Sometimes I don’t and then I feel powerless but at peace because no matter what I have felt God’s love and something that I want to qualify as “stress” about me being outside the church. He has stressed out so much that I have experience a miracle which has been a change of heart I have not asked for. And when I have one of those days I strictly don’t care if having done something wrong enough to be excommunicated disqualifies me for the blessings I was entitled to before because I am grateful enough for the miracle I have experienced. This is probably the most wonderful experience I have had in my life and this is enough for me.
And if this is the closest I’ll ever get to God because my excommunication is something serious then let it be. I am not even sure I’d be able to handle more spiritual happiness anyway.