Temple blessings

My visiting teachers just left and it was good.
One of them is our RS president and I think you already know how much I appreciate her.I felt sorry for the other one because M-E and I understand each other with half sentences and she could not so she felt out of place more than once but I tried really hard to explain her things as much as I could without unveiling those things that are too personal.
I think I am getting the support from God that I asked Him for concerning my temple blessings and I know I am getting an answer that I will fully understand if I keep on working toward this goal. Yet there is still a feeling of fear that I can’t seem to overcome. On the other hand I know that fear is the very one opposition to faith. It feels like I still cannot jump. this Leap of faith seems still to be a little too much. The positive thing being that I am aware of it and I want it.
Although this person’s concern is different from mine concerning the same field of subject I like to read her blog once in a while (when she takes the time to blog!) And I must say that this post is close to the solution to my issue.
Actually it is the solution and it is exactly what my RS president just told me a few minutes ago and what her companion lead me to also.
The funny (hilarious) thing is that she told me exactly this: “you know how in the church some member are attracted to people of the same gender (yes I do, thank you very much…hello Kim); Well they still chose to obey and follow the commandments no matter how hard it is for them knowing all that they miss because of it”…
Which reminded me that I could go back to reading Kim’s blog which had a post that I just I gave you a link to.
I love my RS president. I love Kim. I love the poor other sister who felt so out of place and still said the right thing explaining that she did not know why she was saying this. Well she may not have known but I did.
I may not be attracted by women, I may not have to fight SSA but I have my own fights that seems to have the same answers or weapons. Or maybe the answers are the same no matter what the problem is.
I just wish the simple things were really simple so the complicated things would obviously be complicated. I mean I guess it would spoil the fun out of being here on Earth, thank you heavenly Father but still. I don’t things to be easier, I want them to be more simple.
As I type this I feel less and less afraid of what has been troubling me and it almost feels like if I were to be given my blessings back I would not have a problem doing it right now but I am still afraid of myself and my reaction “after”.
I m just afraid of myself and even though I know that in case I am not strong enough I can rely on Christ I am just afraid of not being able to turn to Him when I should. I just don’t trust myself. I trust God 200% and Christ the same it is just that I wish I had to go through more spiritual trials to test myself. I just would like to be sure I can do it and not fall again. And when I am talking about falling I am talking about being excommunicated again not the common mistakes we make.
This is one of those very tricky moment in life where in the past I have taken the wrong path and Ia m afraid, despite what I know, to make the same mistake.
I think that the mistake I have made in the past has been to “force” myself into being obedient when I should have just “let” myself being obedient. And I am scared of doing it to myself again. The difference is not seen by people outside but the fruits are dramatically different.
It can lead to peace, healing, humility and so many things I need to learn for later on the other side.
Maybe to feel this eagerness I have felt a year ago is not the right thing to feel now at this time of my progression after all but it is a sweet feeling I wish I could feel again.

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