I am not complaining.
I have always wanted to serve God but my mind/spirit has always been cluttered by a bunch of other things that hurt me and eventually lead me to live another life.
When it got really rough during my time out of the church I would remember how on my mission I was deeply moved by one of the song of Julie De Azevedo “masterpiece”.
When I heard it on my mission it would take me much strength not to cry because this is what I wanted. This was put in the right words what I really wanted. So when I was excommunicated I would feel angry and bitter when this song would come back to my mind.
As I have said before, when I was excommunicated I felt strongly the spirit telling me that it was ok. That God was sad and sorry for the path that had lead me to this point and that it was definitely what he had in store for me at first.
This was why I would be angry when I would remember this song and the feeling it had conveyed. He knew I had been sincere, He knew that I could not endure some things and yet had let it happen still.
I am not angry at all anymore. I just wanted to say this so you’d understand.
Ten years ago I so wanted to serve him and I knew I was screwing up almost everything I was doing. Nope, sister missionary are not better than elders.
Anyway, ten years ago I had a companion I could work with. I did not feel alone.
Now I do and I am scared.
I have realized that I am the only one Belle will talk to because she expects me to agree with everything she says or do because she sees me as a rebel.
This is true, I am. but only because I firmly believe this or that not because I have to rebel. I am a rebel to men, not to God.
I understand that I have the potential to have her keep a window open in case she wants to come back and that being the only one she trusts I am the only one who can do this. I feel like when I was on my mission. I don’t want to decline the responsibility but I know I have the power to screw it up beautifully and I am afraid of this.
She is behaving such like a child, I understand that she would not want phone calls from the older sisters in the ward because she must think that they, having knowing her for like 20 years or so, must be judging her (which could not be further from the truth) but the youngest sisters should be like white pages to her. This is why I feel alone.
I opened up to my lovely-sweet-close to perfection(I am kidding on the last one) RS president and expressed to her how I feel. She told me I am not alone and that she can be here for me. I know she is sincere and I know she is capable of much. I trust her and feel better. She said exactly what I needed to hear and they were not just words. I feel like she is my companion in this case and it makes me feel good.
But I am still the only one in the front row and it makes me nervous. Like very nervous.
Sometimes I really wish I had not been sent to the US. Sometimes I wish I had been sent to a country where things had been easier culturally so that I could have focus more on the work and less on trying to make myself understood or on understanding what was going on.
I am glad I went my mission to the US because I have been able to grow in ways that I would have not been able to elsewhere I think but I get also pissed off when I think about the work I have spoiled/missed/failed in. I don’t know, maybe I would have then be too self confident and would totally lack something that I must have because of my lack of current self confidence concerning this case. You know how life and human nature can be very ironic.