I’ll call my former bishop’s future ex-wife “Belle” for you. I am not going to use her real name. I don’t know why I am doing this since: a) she is not going to read my blog. b) Even if she finds my blog she does not understand a word of English anyway. C) if she would read my blog and understand it it would not really matter because I am not saying anything wrong about her. d) you don’t know her anyway.
Belle sent me two emails today. I think that she is really doing bad. The reason why I named this post “mirror” is because I realize that I understand her perfectly because I am going through the same emotions although much less strong.
I understand she is angry and she should be. The problem is that she should not do anything that she will regret someday and I am afraid she’ll make any choice that will drive her away from what she has been the past year. The issue is that although the motivation for her choices were wrong the choices themselves were right.
This is what the kind of woman she and I are need to work on: make the right choices the way we have done them but with the right focus and not out of emotions.
The good news is that I am among the few women she seems to trust or she seems to want to be with because she has invited me and my sister to her place when it seems that she has not invited anyone else from the RS. I am sad that she seems to not want to talk to Dany. It makes it harder for me.
Now as much as I like our RS president I think I am going to have to keep this for myself because I know Belle is avoiding being a “project” and without meaning it this is what our RS president is doing out of her. I know she is doing it because she cares for her and not because she cares so much about being like a good RS president. She is smarter and better than this attitude. But I know she does not really understand the state of despair you are when you are taking the wrong path.
She is right now letting all that she had been repressing take control of her life and the worse thing we can do is going against it or even lead her to believe we are going against it. Even if all the sister in the ward only wanted to be with her without any church goal in mind at all she would just feel trapped. the fact that she would be wrong would not matter. What matters is how she feels and the path she is taking. I am going to do my best to be an exit for when she is ready.
I realized something today. Nothing big. I just understood a little better the mechanism by which I have been lead to make the choices I have made. I understand better why God trust me in some field and what are the fields I need to get stronger. It is kind of like looking at a watch. You know that there is a mechanism that makes it work. You can open the watch and see it. You can understand that this is doing this to that and so on. but it does not make you understand how to repair it.
I know what not to do if I want to keep it working. Thank you. But what I find interesting is how it works. Not that I would be able to fix it myself but maybe someday I’ll need this knowledge. And today I understood a tiny little thing.
Sometimes I think that when I get the big picture I’ll be so thrilled to have participated in it, I’ll be so amazed that I’ll keep my mouth shut and won’t voice the questions or reproaches. Then sometimes I only hope it is really worth it because it is surely taking a lot of strength to just try to do it, not even succeeding in doing something, only trying. I know this is where the atonement takes place too. But I just hope I won’t feel this sacrifice has been wasted on me.