I was just hoping it would be latter.
When my mother came last week end she asked me absolutely out of the blue without trying to make it sound natural what is my biological grand-parents wanted to get in touch with me? Would I be willing to talk to them?
Oh mother, you are so subtle (not).
So they called you hu?
Why didn’t they call me? I am in the white pages and they know my name.
My best friend smartly suggested that they may have thought that I could just hang up when knowing who would have been on the phone. I wonder why they would fear this? Not sleeping well maybe? Is there anything that could bother them?
Anyway I told my mother “I would tell them” that I would not mind talking to them but they would have to understand that I am not the girl who wrote to them ten years ago. And ten years ago I was not the kid they had known although I was still pretty close to it. I hope she will faithfully tell them my words and not try to add a little something of her own. I hope that if they make the choice to call me they won’t do it on my B-day. I would just hate it. I knew they would want to get back to me someday I was just hoping that it would be latter but I understand they they’re growing old and they may want to leave this earth at peace with everything but I don’t feel like I have solved it all yet. I am still hurt by them. Funny because I am more mad at them than I am at my own mother.
No matter what I have to reproach my mother she has hurt me because of what she has done, not because she has left me.
This is how I feel about life in general. I find less guilt in something wrong done than in something good NOT done.
What makes me sad is that my mother is the only person who knows the whole story and pretty much the only person I can’t talk to about it.
Now I am waiting for their phone call. I don’t think they’ll call me in the coming days but it could happen in a few weeks or a few month. And since my B-day is coming up, once again I hope that they won’t call me for it.
On the plus side…if we talk again to each other I can have the secret crêpes recipe 🙂
and all the family pictures and find a way to do family history for their side of my ancestors although I am not legally allowed to.
I find interesting how when I want to help so much some sisters in my ward, how when I am ready to invest myself and my energy I get all of a sudden my attention sucked out by my family whether it’d be my mother and her mental disease or some sudden wake up call from an other part of my family that I was trying to forget about.