I hear

I love when people says things such as “are you sure this is what God wants?”

We can never be 100% positive this is God’s will we can only have promptings and confirmation through blessings, prayers, fasting, whatever…
As for myself I was sure until yesterday this was what I was supposed to do and I must say that I am confused and lost.
What I hold on to is that I know a year ago I made the right decision when I decided to come back to the church and I know Joseph Smith was a prophet of God. I really don’t know anything else.
Beside this I am lost and don’t know what do to, what to expect, what to fight for.

I am grateful for what I have: Aïkido. This helps me to feel better about myself because there is no failure for me at this point. I learn every time I go to my class and I feel I am making progress which is all I need. I need to feel I am going forward in one field in my life because the state of mind I am in requires much emotional balance.

This is just unfair.
I am not asking for a perfect life I am only asking for a life that I can love.
I don’t have the feeling that I am too demanding in what would be a life I can love:
A social life and a job.
I am not asking for fame or money and I am not asking for a perfect husband and perfect kids.
I am not even asking for a husband at all.
I really have the feeling that I won’t get married in this life and I am strangely fine with this.

I am only asking for a job. One that will make me feel I am not just my social security number.
Yes, in France your social security number means something.
The first number indicates whether you’re male or female. Then the year you were born in. Then the number of your state. The following numbers indicate the number your were in the hospital were you were born and then in the state. And sometimes it feels to me this is all that I am.
I have not done one thing that makes me feel proud about myself right now.
Nothing would have made me more proud than to pass. I know this is stupid because there are people for who I mean something. I am glad I do.
But I wanted to prove something that means the world to me.
I hear you already and I don’t think you can really understand what I mean unless I start talking about my school years and I won’t because this is too long and because this is something I don’t want to dwell on. Yet I know it is still here.
I will always feel like the unfitting lazy kid that my teachers and my mother made me feel I was.
I will always feel this way unless I can pass this test because I really don’t see any other way I can be “on the other side”.
And this is the only way I know I can make a difference in students life.
They are precious and I feel from my experience as a student and working in a high school that teachers just don’t realize this. I don’t know how much they can’t and how much they don’t want to see it but the difference does not matter because the result is the same.
They keep on blaming the parents for the poor way the kids are raised.
But with who do the students spend 8 hours a day with? This on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Fridays. Then “only” 4 hours on Wednesday and Saturday.
Yes, parents are not perfect and their kids know very well which button to push. But if teachers are not on the parents’ side to help them in their task who will?
I don’t know.
Maybe I am too presumptuous thinking that I can make kids love English in the little time we have to teach them. Maybe I am day-dreaming when I think that we could make a change.
But I’d rather crash my dream against reality than having this feeling of failure and frustration again.

1 thought on “I hear

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