I came back home yesterday.
There are many, many things I could write about concerning these past two weeks but the main thing on my mind right now is how I flunked my only chance to pass.
The worse is not so much that I failed but how.
I have studied hard.
I have prayed and fasted.
I have gotten everything I wanted: a paper document to work on for the professional part of the exam and an audio document for the language part. It was British BUT I could perfectly understand everything.
And I don’t know what happened.
I have NEVER been like that in my life.
I just could not recognize myself.
My voice kept on lowering and I spoke way too fast. I think I spent only 10 minutes for something that should have last 30.
They kept on asking me extremely simple questions that I could not understand and they had to ask it like 5 times and every time a different way for me to understand what they meant.
Not to mention my English that was a joke. If someone spoke like that to me I would fast and pray that this person NEVER gets to teach English.
I have managed not to think about it and not to feel too low because people around have been nice enough not to talk about it and I did not feel like going to church at all because I knew they would ask me about it. Right on!
I and I have been both crying and trying to hold back my tears since this morning.
I really only went to church because I had no good health reason to come up with as an excuse to HF but I knew it would be bad for me.
It has been the hardest Sunday so far and at least I am proud to say that I made it.
But I would have liked better to have made it last Friday.
I mean, the results have not been published yet so there is still time for God to make a miracle but I really wonder how He is going to do this because I would not have let myself pass last Friday.
My only comfort is that I never had the feeling that the jury was mean. They were serious and demanding and I like better to fail because they sounded like they were demanding. How humiliating to fail with a easy jury! But they were never mean and never asked tricky question. At least I will always been able to dismiss doubts and fears from others who will have to take this test and that I will be able to talk to in the future 🙂
nb: witting this I forgot I had meat on the stove and of course it is burnt now.
I am really not in the mood for anything right now.