I came back home yesterday.
There are many, many things I could write about concerning these past two weeks but the main thing on my mind right now is how I flunked my only chance to pass.
The worse is not so much that I failed but how.
I have studied hard.
I have prayed and fasted.
I have gotten everything I wanted: a paper document to work on for the professional part of the exam and an audio document for the language part. It was British BUT I could perfectly understand everything.
And I don’t know what happened.
I have NEVER been like that in my life.
I just could not recognize myself.
My voice kept on lowering and I spoke way too fast. I think I spent only 10 minutes for something that should have last 30.
They kept on asking me extremely simple questions that I could not understand and they had to ask it like 5 times and every time a different way for me to understand what they meant.
Not to mention my English that was a joke. If someone spoke like that to me I would fast and pray that this person NEVER gets to teach English.
I have managed not to think about it and not to feel too low because people around have been nice enough not to talk about it and I did not feel like going to church at all because I knew they would ask me about it. Right on!
I and I have been both crying and trying to hold back my tears since this morning.
I really only went to church because I had no good health reason to come up with as an excuse to HF but I knew it would be bad for me.
It has been the hardest Sunday so far and at least I am proud to say that I made it.
But I would have liked better to have made it last Friday.
I mean, the results have not been published yet so there is still time for God to make a miracle but I really wonder how He is going to do this because I would not have let myself pass last Friday.
My only comfort is that I never had the feeling that the jury was mean. They were serious and demanding and I like better to fail because they sounded like they were demanding. How humiliating to fail with a easy jury! But they were never mean and never asked tricky question. At least I will always been able to dismiss doubts and fears from others who will have to take this test and that I will be able to talk to in the future 🙂
nb: witting this I forgot I had meat on the stove and of course it is burnt now.
I am really not in the mood for anything right now.
Back and then... 
You got stressed and nervous and it overwhelmed you. I’ve seen that happen to lots of people.
However, I’ve also seen many of them recover from it. I did.