1 year and 1 day

I have kept this blog for one year and one day.
I have slowed down on my writing because I don’t feel like writing just for the sake of it.
There are many things I still want to share but sometimes I wonder if it is really worth passing on to the next generation since this blog is pretty much my diary (definitely an open one).
I feel both happy and sad.
Sad because I am longing for a spiritual experience as powerful as what I have experienced a year ago but I am also happy because so far I have done good enough so that I’d be where I was hoping to be a year ago without having to betray myself.
I am not against changing my attitude about certain things or certain events but I want this change to come from within not from outside.

I feel blessed really beyond measure already in fields that are essential for my own balance and I know I am going to be granted the blessings I ask for.
Right now it is this fraking CAPES (yes, “frak” does exist Ray) that I need the most but the thing I did not ask for and I am granted is to enjoy my calling. I am not going to say that I love it because it is not about the calling it is more about the kids.
Matthias is exactly the kind of little boy I want. I want a son like this, Heavenly Father. I don’t want children I want a Matthias. He is my pet and I am trying not to show it too much but it is hard.
Yesterday his mother had dressed him up into a real little man with a gorgeous tie and a jacket that matched his tie but he kept on messing up with it because he wanted to show me his missionary tag. No, I am not talking about the child little tag that you can get I talking about a REAL tag. His father’s tag 🙂
He and his brother had gotten to wear it yesterday and he was just in seventh Heaven because of it. This kid speaks so well and is so articulate for a three years old little boy. we can have real discussions. I don’t think I can go as deep as if he were an adult but I can talk with him about almost any subject like with a grown up.
Adam is just about to become also one of my favorite. Adam is…what is Adam? Adam is just Adam. He almost doe not speak (he is also much younger) but he has such expressive looks it is amazing, you can understand everything through his eyes. And if really you don’t get it then he show you. What amazes me is that although he is very young (19 or 20 months) he goes and brings children in when they don’t want to come. I can always count on him. It is not like a game for him. You can tell it is important. I tell him something such as “Adam, X does not feel like coming in, could help me please?” and I can be sure that Adam will tackle him and carry him if it is what it takes! Yet he is gentle. He will gently tackle them.
There is also Josua who is much more shy but I must say that the nursery without him feels not whole.
And I am going to have 2 to 3 more kids in a week or so.
There will be David and Elsa. Elsa is not a girl. I mean she is biologically a girl and I know her mother wishes the cute little dresses she makes her wear would change something because the problem (only for her mother) is that Elsa is really a handful and has nothing to fear the boys about!
I can’t wait to see what it is going to be like with her in.
I still don’t like children or my calling but I do love these kids and when I have a hard time waking up for church there are the exciting thought I turn to for a little motivation.

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