Now I am telling you the truth.
The truth is that when I asked for a blessing before I took the written test I asked it to someone I trust and he just said “you will pass this contest” in the blessing.
You may find it natural but I don’t.
I don’t trust my understanding of this kind of thing anymore. Although the meaning is pretty obvious I just don’t trust how obvious it is.
My last success proves me wrong and proves the blessing true and proves me that I was right to feel good and confident about this blessing. But still there is like “WOW!!!!!” feeling.
I don’t know how to explain it. It is a feeling that mixes distrusting and being amazed.
I know I need more faith but once again it is because I don’t want to fall in the same traps I fell in when I was younger: not caring about anything and taking everything for granted.
I am sure God loves the fact that I don’t take his blessing for granted but I am sure He would love me to trust Him a little more just because I would be happier in my daily life and this is all He really wants.
Lately I have been more demanding in my prayers concerning this CAPES. I have asked him not only to let me pass it but also to let me pass it AND have the knowledge I need to deserve it for sure and to be a good teacher.
Not only do I want a blessing but I also want the blessing of being good at something.
I know this may be funny to read but I really feel like I am demanding when honestly, if anyone else would tell me the same I would think that it is right.
What’s wrong with me?
I have not told my mother or my best friend or my boss. They tend to put a pressure on me by their look or their comments and if I fail (yes, I know, God said that I won’t but I can’t help myself being cautious) I don’t want them to be like “we knew it” and being disappointed. It is the worse thing for me.
But I have told everybody else.
If I pass the first thing I want to do is save money to buy myself a house or an apartment. It will be crazy! To own my place. WOW!!!!
I am browsing real estate web sites and looking at prices going down slowly. By the time I am ready to buy I think the prices will have dropped enough so I can have a good place for a good price.
A wonderful and huge place for cheap would be better but this is not what I really need 🙂
I will also be able to pay for my sisters’ university in case their father decides to be a jerk again. I don’t think he’ll be a pain for LaBlonde but I am pretty sure he will be for my youngest sister. So if I pass they won’t have to worry no matte what happens.