I wanted to start this post with “I had a dream” but I’ve heard that this sentence has been used before and it was really a nightmare.
It was really a horror movie and this time (unlike my other “bad dreams”) I was not able to tell myself I was dreaming and therefore nicely pull myself out. My body eventually shut this nightmare up and I woke up. It was really too much.
I think that it comes from the relief I am experiencing from being done with the CAPES and my mind is dealing with something I know but I have a hard time with.
So, as I have said, this nightmare was really a horror movie with an evil spirit turning into a monster that was slaughtering the people I was with and eventually looking for me. I woke up when I realized that not only this evil spirit was just the embodiment of my own worse fears but that no matter how much I played with it pretending I was not afraid of it “it” knew I was pretending and was getting stronger no matter what.
When I woke up the first thing that came to my mind was “CAPES”.
I know how much fears are linked to it the problem is that I won’t get over my fears as long as I don’t pass it and I won’t pass it as long as those fears remain.
This is where the need for a miracle lays.
I know how bad I did, but I must admit that I don’t know how bad the others did….
And since they will take “the best”, even if I know I did bad it does not truly mean that I failed. So my only hope is that the teachers correcting my paper will be extremely nice and the others will be extremely mean. Hard to imagine but possible still.
This horror nightmare also echoed to the blog I decided not to go back to because of a very disturbing image. Just after “thinking “CAPES” this is the first thought that popped in my mind.
I have a harder and harder time with this kind of image. And I am talking about being really, deeply disturbed not just annoyed.
Since I was not sleeping I got to think about this abortion hot issue and the more I think about it the more I am at peace with my position about it. Not because my position is the best ever but because it is the most balance until we have better.
Beside I don’t like the term “right to abortion” It is not a “right”, to me it is very often an “emergency exit”. When we have done everything needed as a society to prevent abortion. When we have given all what it takes to a woman to change her mind about it: psychological or emotional help, means to raise this child, support in building her self confidence and whatever I cannot think of right now because I am still disturbed by this nightmare, then we will be able to discuss the “right to abortion”.
To me “mothers” are not killing babies. We are as a society when we don’t give a fair chance to this child to be born and a fair chance does not involve all the actions I have seen performed in France by the different pro-life groups.