The elders

My sister and I took the elders out yesterday evening. It was fun.
We took them to a place where you eat some real traditional french food that I did not even know before I went there last year.
It was fun and good and of course since it was Saturday night, although we were alone at first we were quickly surrounded by a lot of people, it is always good for missionary work to have a big missionary in a crowded place. LOL

The two elders we have are good and I am glad we have those two. But the more I listen to them the more I worry about myself as a missionary. I also was told some really sad and horrible story that happened during my mission and I wonder how I never was aware of it. I must really have lived in the wonderful world of Mickey Mouse despite all my struggle and family concerns. Now I understand why my mission president seemed to like me so much (as well as the other missionaries), this poor man must have spent sleepless nights crying. comparing to some of the missionaries, me staying in the field despite my mother running away from home with my sisters all the abuse story blowing up during my mission (of course for Xmas) must have look like a tremendous act of faith when it was not really. It was just that I could not fathom going back home. It was not so much faith as it was either good brainwashing or good determination. I must also say that I had a testimony that I ought to go on a mission right at this moment and not latter and that I had spent my youth (childhood and teen age period) dreaming of serving a mission. There was therefore no way I could go back home.
Anyway I am glad that the expectation from future missionaries have been raised because when I think about the story I was told this week I wonder how much damages these people have done to the church that will take a lot of good missionaries to mend.

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I had a nightmare

I wanted to start this post with “I had a dream” but I’ve heard that this sentence has been used before and it was really a nightmare.
It was really a horror movie and this time (unlike my other “bad dreams”) I was not able to tell myself I was dreaming and therefore nicely pull myself out. My body eventually shut this nightmare up and I woke up. It was really too much.

I think that it comes from the relief I am experiencing from being done with the CAPES and my mind is dealing with something I know but I have a hard time with.
So, as I have said, this nightmare was really a horror movie with an evil spirit turning into a monster that was slaughtering the people I was with and eventually looking for me. I woke up when I realized that not only this evil spirit was just the embodiment of my own worse fears but that no matter how much I played with it pretending I was not afraid of it “it” knew I was pretending and was getting stronger no matter what.
When I woke up the first thing that came to my mind was “CAPES”.
I know how much fears are linked to it the problem is that I won’t get over my fears as long as I don’t pass it and I won’t pass it as long as those fears remain.
This is where the need for a miracle lays.
I know how bad I did, but I must admit that I don’t know how bad the others did….
And since they will take “the best”, even if I know I did bad it does not truly mean that I failed. So my only hope is that the teachers correcting my paper will be extremely nice and the others will be extremely mean. Hard to imagine but possible still.

This horror nightmare also echoed to the blog I decided not to go back to because of a very disturbing image. Just after “thinking “CAPES” this is the first thought that popped in my mind.
I have a harder and harder time with this kind of image. And I am talking about being really, deeply disturbed not just annoyed.
Since I was not sleeping I got to think about this abortion hot issue and the more I think about it the more I am at peace with my position about it. Not because my position is the best ever but because it is the most balance until we have better.
Beside I don’t like the term “right to abortion” It is not a “right”, to me it is very often an “emergency exit”. When we have done everything needed as a society to prevent abortion. When we have given all what it takes to a woman to change her mind about it: psychological or emotional help, means to raise this child, support in building her self confidence and whatever I cannot think of right now because I am still disturbed by this nightmare, then we will be able to discuss the “right to abortion”.
To me “mothers” are not killing babies. We are as a society when we don’t give a fair chance to this child to be born and a fair chance does not involve all the actions I have seen performed in France by the different pro-life groups.