I guess it is not over

About ten days ago I got a friendship request on facebook from someone who was a friend of my mother years ago.
This disturbed me more than I thought it would and a lot more than I wish.
Let me explain to you what, why and what I came to realize. I guess it is a good thing that I do but I don’t like it.
This “friend” of my mother is a member of the church.
she married a good young man in the church.
they got three kids.
He cheated on her. He left the church. They got a divorce, she was left alone with three little kids and with no job.
“WOW” you must think, what a horrible situation.
Yep.
But here are some important details to take in account.
I was only 9 years old and she would tell me all about her husband’s lover and how much of a slut she was. Did I really need to know this when I was 9 years old?
She was not really pretty and this is not to be held against her but she was also the kind of woman who thought that looking a little prettier was not necessary and close to being wrong. She particularly liked the old fashioned Gs, the real love killers.
I am not saying that her husband was right at all. But there is always an explanation and one can’t be absolutely evil 100%. I am a grown up and I don’t swallow her vision of their story anymore.
You may think that this is not of my business and that I should not be angry at her but wait a second because the story is about to get ugly.
When all this happened to her and she was in this bad situation my mother and I were starting what we hoped to be a better life with her new husband. This was when my parents decided that I should be adopted. She being my mother’s friend of course my mother told her all about what was going on.
The thing was that to be adopted by my step father my bio father had to legally deny me. My mother knew he would not because he did not like paper stuff. So, to convince him she told him (I was there I remember it very well) that if he would deny me she could not ask for the child support he owed us and that he had never paid. He was so happy and gave his consent right away.
Latter this friend of my mother found a good guy with the same vision on life as hers (good for them).
Because of what my mother had told her, she went to her ex-husband and threatened him through child support so that he would deny his kids so her new husband could adopt them. The difference being that the child support he had to pay was really a heavy burden compared to what my bio father had to pay.
This makes me furious. She used MY story to steal children away from their father. He was not a bad man. He was a man whose marriage had wrecked because of his own fault but he was not a bad father. He was a responsible father (mine was not).
Of course, as if it had not been enough, when their youngest child was around 17 and wanted to be in touch with her bio dad she threatened her daughter not to pay for her to go to school if she’d try to talk to him.
When this woman asked me to add her in my friends list and I saw a picture of her in front of the temple with her husband I felt a sudden rise of anger and felt like throwing my membership out the window again. Don’t worry. I only felt like doing it, I did not really want to.
You should see what her 29 years old son has become. The closest answer to it is: nothing. She has castrated him and she did an awesome job.
Tell me how she manages to sleep at night? Tell me how she thinks that she is right? this is just out of my way to work and I really can’t imagine how she can deceive herself to this point. how is her mind/spirit/soul not telling her that she is NOT fooling God?
How can she believe that people are more stupid than her and don’t read through her? DANG!
I really want to tell her what I think of her but then I will only be mean and blah blah blah…
I actually want to be the meanest person on Earth when I think of this kind of person. And it is not right. I guess I just want to drop myself down to their level and it is stupid because it took me 32 years to get to this level LOL

The thing that I realized today about my bio dad because of all this is that it is not accurate to say that he abandoned me.
He “did” not. He “does it” everyday when he does not pic up the phone to know about me and this is the thing that I have a hard time forgiving. I can hear everything, I can hear how it is my mother’s fault (I doubt it is 100% her fault but I can listen to him pretending it) I can hear anything. What I cannot hear is this silence that tells me more about how much he does not care about me than all the years he was not there when I grew up. and it is the first time I can really say what hurts me about him.
I can understand or pretend to agree on anything about the past years but I cannot accept that he does not call me (he knows my name and I am in the white pages) now that it is all behind us.
And I want to cry because no matter how fucking awesome I can be it won’t change his view about me. I am nothing. Just a lost sperm in a vagina.
And I think this is partly what’s wrong about me and men.
Nobody has wanted me as a daughter.
My bio father “sold” me in one way and my adoptive father molested me, abused me psychologically/emotionally and eventually wanted to deny me also (fortunately, because it was an adoption the law forbids it).
I have the hardest time wanting to be loved by a man but of course in the mean time I want it.
And all my relationships have ended the same way: I am the one who dumps the other. Seeing a pattern anyone? The only good point is that I have dumped losers so far. It would be worse if they were only good guys. I am sparing the good ones from a heartbreak LOL

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