I dreamed about one of my mission companion last night.
This made me thing this morning that the companions I kept in touch with even if they felt that something changed about me over the years never knew about my choices and stuff.
Back then I did not want them to judge me because I remembered the comments I had heard when I was a child about how less valiant these apostates who had been excommunicated were.
I wanted to keep an image of them that was not going to be altered by a stupid reaction.
Doing so I played a stupid game that was like avoiding certain subjects or making them feel I was not going to go into this discussion (no matter what it was).
The funny thing is that not wanting the image I had of them to change I realize that my image for them has changed quiet a bit.
I regret not to have been more open about what I was going through. I was angry and bitter and whatever you can think of. I had some good reasons to be angry and I did not want my friends to ache for me because I knew they would. the thing that would have driven me really insane back in these days would have been if they had told me they would pray for me.
Now I realize that there were little chance they would have told me so. Not that they would not have, but I think they would have been smart enough to keep it quiet.
I am sorry that I did not tell them. Now it is hard to explain to them all these things, to explain to them all the “before” and then “during that time” for them to understand me now.
This was stupid, stupid, stupid and stupid.
As a result our relationship has grown colder after I was rather “dry” a couple of times. But I really regret that things turned out this way.
One of them remained the same but I must say that we were not in touch when things were the hardest.
This is one thing I still don’t know how I could have worked things better to both have what I needed and then not spoil relationships in the mean time. I know there was a way because it is not your typical situation where path just lead to different things. I know it is really my fault.
If someone has experienced the same and wants to give me some piece of advice I will gladly take it.