I wish this would mean something good for 2009. But honestly I don’t believe it and it is ok. I’ll take it even if it is all that it is.
I wrote to someone today about obedience and what it represents to me.
And I found myself writing something that I erased but that I want to share with you.
First as usually I am going to tell you about myself which will sound like it has nothing to do with our subject to eventually get there. So please bear with me.
I have always hated tests. The idea that I am going to be tested and judged just freezes me and it seems that I tend to do exactly what I am not supposed to. Now I have been able to handle test as long as it did not feel like tests. this idea that “this life was a test” was really not something I did good with as I grew up. You can imagine how it can have added to my unease.
Anyway, I realized that part of my joy when I came back to the church was that I wanted to be tried. I just wanted to prove myself worthy of the effort God had put in bringing me back to the church. I just wanted to be tested. I wanted to go through hard things again to see if this time I would be able to stay focused and not let myself distract from the goal because of pain or anger. I just wanted it all because I wanted to see if I would also be able to repent.
I have always been really good at regretting but then I would only regret, and regret, and regret and in the end just to bring myself low instead of stopping and using this as a motivation to do better.
I realize that I love the idea of being tested now. I am not afraid of it and I am looking for it. which is exactly what I am going through right now with Dany. This is new to me since I have never lost someone I love or even been close to losing someone I love. And I think I have had many reasons to be angry. I am not going to say that I have not felt anger but I have been able to tame this feeling and to eventually overcome it.
Anyway I am hoping this will make a change in the test I will take in January but I doubt it ha ha ha ha ha ha