I really did not want to go to church yesterday. I was expecting people to say stupid things that would hurt me or make me mad.
But on the other hand, although I knew this would happen I also know that it has been because of this kind of VERY good reason that I eventually was excommunicated.
So I decided to (as we say in France) cut the pear in two. I decided to go but to be just a little bit late so I would avoid everybody.
I was a little more late than I had planned on due to my lack of sleep.
Anway I was happy that I still made it and was still able to fulfill my calling. Beside I had forgotten that I was supposed to have a meeting after church and I would have been very angry at myself if I had missed it. Plus it would have made me feel even lower than I already felt.
I realized that as much as I am aching it is just unfair to ask people to understand. The problem is that when I am in pain I just hate when people are around. I need to curl up in a corner and come back when I am better. But sometimes there is no way we can heal by ourself and behaving this way, although it suits me, is not a good way.
My issue is that I have not found a way to both preserve myself from being more hurt and to be here for people who need me.
Until I do I must say that making effort to look like I am only having a bad day feels like a sacrifice.
I am sure it will change, though.