So it is a brain tumor and we don’t know yet how bad it is and I am not ready to let her go.
I just had this feeling not long ago that something ominous was about to happen and I am just affraid that she is going to die.
I never had to deal with death in my life and the worse part of it is that I am not in position to have any right over her remaining time on Earth. She has family, she has children and grand children who have more rights than I do and I would not want it to be any other way. I am glad that her children can be her for her.
It is just that if I have no problem saying to my sisters that I love them I have a harder time with grown ups and the more I love someone the worse it is. The more I love someone the more I want to do things that means “I love you” but in her case I just never knew what to do really.
I don’t want her to go. I swear that if she stays I will tell her that she means the world to me because she is more my mother than my own mother. She is a woman who has inspired me, she is a woman who has given me a vision of the woman I wanted to be, she has encouraged me the best way possible in being better. She has never stoped loving me and caring for me even when I was excommunicated. She has always been the one I sat by, the one who would step up when the situation with my mother was more than I could handle, the one who has listen everything I had to say even when it was the most stupid thing.
I lived with her for one year when I was a senior in high school and this has been one of the best year of my life. I was her daughter when needed but most of the time I was just a young woman growing up with another woman watching over her. It was not a child/adult thing. it was more about a daily Relief Society thing if you know what I mean.
I don’t want her to go.
I know she is 10 years older than my mother so she will go before me but not right now. I can’t pictures sunday without her and I cannot picture seing a good movie without being able to tell her about it. I can’t picture cookies being cooked without thinking that I wish she her there because she can put her hand in the oven and get cookies out without any protection.
I can’t picture not being able to go to her house anymore because this house is just a dream house for any age. I don’t want her to go now. I need her too much and this is too difficult.
I know she wants to see me happy an she wants to see me succeed in something and so far I have not. I am not asking for much. I just want her to be here until I have done something that will make her happy for me. Either pass the CAPES or find someone good to get married to. Even if she has to go before I actually get married. This is all I am asking for myself.
This is all I can ask because the thing I want the most for her is just not something I can do. Her ex-daughter in law has turned her two oldest grabd-children against her and I just wish I could change this. But it is neither my job nor in my reach…or the other way around.