My goal for this blog is to eventually be able to have a totally personnal one. The last time I changed how it looked was extremly simple. Too simple. Actually it was cold.
I like this new one and I think I am going to keep it until I can switch to something better and upgrade my blog.
Anyway, yesterday was a pretty good day until I came back home. I really lost my temper over our appartment and someone else. Two things about it: I was able to recognize it was unfair and that it was basically because I was tired. the other erpson was not there and this is a good thing becaus eI think she would have felt how much I resent her. I have thought about why I really have a hard time loving her and even if I am right, even if I should protect myself from her I still need to chill out, relax, take a deep breath to eventually appreciate th good things about her. I don’t care about the “love thy neighbor” thing. No offense to God and Christ, it is just that my reaction is both stupid and not constructive. This sister has eventually understood that I really don’t like when people kisses me to greet me and specially when she does it. She and her best friend always scare me, I always think that they are about to french kiss me. I bet they think they are showing their love but the thing is that I really don’t feel like sharing this kind of love with them. I LOVE MEN OK?
So I have to work both on my mother issue and this sister issue.
I have noticed something about my mom.
I have been praying to forgive her what she has become. I know it won’t happen in one night. I don’t even expect it to take only a year.
But I have noticed that I am able not to be annoyed when she calls. Ok I failed the last time because my mother has a thing. She always spot the most unconvenient moment to call. A few months ago we joked about it. We decided that whenever she felt like calling me she should wait an hour.
You know what? It worked!
I am very serious.
She then called me at times when it was ok when if she had called me an hour before I would have been really awefull to her because it woul have been the most wrong time of the day.
Some mother have an instinct to call their child when their child needs it. My mother has an instinct for the opposite. It would be funny if the result had not been fights over the years.
Anyway, she called yesterday to talk to my little sister (who does not appreciate my mother calling everyday) when my sister was right in the middle of helping me with the wall papern trynig to prevent me from losing my mind.
I am going to tell her to do again what she was doing before we moved in together: whenever she feels like calling she should wait an hour.
I feel a little sad about myself. I know it will take time to change and I know I am doing the right thing to change but I wish it were going faster. this is kind of stupid because if I should do it so fast then what would be next? The point of this life is to take time to change because this is how we learn. It is just that I am affraid to miss out on something by taking too much time and I just want to know it all right now so as to enjoy it and to be able to help others with what I know.
But frankly, I would not enjoy it if I had it all right now because it is a childish desire. And I can help right now. I think I don’t want to help I want to save.
And this is my Christ syndrome kicking back in. And this is wrong because I am not here to save anyone but myself. And Christ did not save us but made possible for us to save ourself by the atonement and following the commandments.
I still want to save everybody, though.