I did not sleep well last night therefore waking up was tough. Since I had to work today I really wanted to read my scriptures before going to work.
You should have seen me, I was rather funny. It was so hard to open my eyes and to force both of them to focus so I could read that I would open one eye after the other because I really wanted to read and enjoy the feeling it brings for the day, how it makes me feel during the day. It is really nothing much and I almost don’t feel the difference if I don’t have to go outside or do something special. It is subtil. It feels like being wraped in a soothing cloud all day long which makes negative or hard things more bearable.
I am just grateful beyond words that our Heavenly Father kicked me back into the church. I am curious to know why but if I never found out I’ll be fine.
It feels so good to enjoy reading my scriptures. I never did before I was excommunicated. I just read them because I had to but never felt this connection between God and me when reading them. Now I do. Yes you’re going to say that there lies the begining of the answer and I will tell you that you’re right.
Before I moved out, a long time ago (a month ago) when I had a lot of free time. I would not necessarely read my scriptures right away in the morning. I would often spend the whole morning searching the net for things to study gospelwise or concerning the mormon cultur. Then I would read my scriptures with a more prepared brain. I miss having access to my own computer and internet and I miss having time to do it.
I understand now what I study, what I learn. I also know what I want and know what I need to work on.
I am aware now that I am not strong. Not at all. But I know where my weaknesses are now. I am aware of them. I am not talking about the obvious things. I am talking about the little slight things that in the end close my spirit and prevent it from being in tune with His spirit such as my awefull tendency to sarcasm. Sarcasm is ok, it is funny, it is witty. But too much will not lead me anywhere but where I have been. It was ok to be there for a while. I have learned what I needed to learn and I don’t need to go back because this time I will really lose myself. And I am what I have best.