Not only do I not have internet again (hopefully until today, I am currently typing this at work). But I was also not able to go to chuch last sunday because of my mom.
Have I stated how much I enjoy our relationship?
She came “to help” (this means being despotic and a real B****) but we wanted to go to church. She made it so awefull that we both gave up going. I asked my little sister to call the bishop to tell him that we would not be there which was an issue since (as you remember) I have a calling.
The thing with my mom is that she has to have it her way and then she wonders why people intend to do evil to her. I am her daughter and I came close to beat her up this past week end.
Sometimes I wonder what I could do to her. Sometimes I feel guilty and think that if I were nicer things could be different. and then I remember what it coast me to be nice to her. And then I remember all the time when she has clearly understood what was wrong and still did not make a single change just because she wants to have it her way.
I feel sad and lonely sometimes.
Sad because I just wish I could have someone I can turn to. I messed up a lot of my relationships in my life because I was looking for a mother, or because I was looking for a “mother-daughter” link at some point.
Sad because I realize all that she messed up in my life and in my sisters life, how she amputated us of things that were important in the building of our personnality.
Lonely because as someone said “my family starts with me”. Yet I know I have people who are related to me and who care for me. But they were not given the space they deserved in my life. Even if I love them and want to give them a space in my heart they just don’t have one in my life.
The worse for me is that she knows she is doing wrong. I know she does becaus eof things she has said in the past and recently. But she just won’t do what’s right just out of selfishness like her mother and her grandmmother before her.
I don’t think I am the same and I know my younger sister is not the same. My youngest can be selfish but she is also extremly willing to improve, so I know she will be different when she is an adult. We have already talked about it and she is starting to be aware of it. She will get rid of this way to be just because she has worked hard on herself in other subjects before and she has made it.
I am tired and I want to cry. I am tired only because we are still working on the appartment. We need to re-do our bedrooms and the hallway, beside I had a bad night. When I am tired I am just like a baby, I need to cry. But you know what? I am happy.
I am happy because I have this new (almost) great place, because I have a nice finacial adviser who’s gonna make my trip to the US easier, because I am going to the US in less than two months, because my little sister is forcing me to eat more healthy, because my little sister is so far being more who I expected than who I feared she could be and this is just the first few things I can think of, there are much more things.
Let’s hope I get internet back today so I can start to blog again more frequently.