Want to be my shrink for a minute?
Since I have been a child my mother has told me that I was one that does not like to be around people, I was a lonely person and blah blah blah.
I found out that I did not like to be alone. I like quality presence and if I can’t have it then I’d rather be alone.
Alright. This has been understood a long time ago.
After my mission I went to university and I was living in the dorms. In France we all have our own room in the dorms but still, it was too crowded for me and I took an appartment since it was barely more than living in the dorms.
I really enjoyed having my own space (a big one) and being alone.
Then I met this guy and I really longed for his presence. I thought it was because I loved him that I wanted him to be around. It was partly the truth but there was also more to it that I am really finding out with my sister.
I am finding out that I “like” to be alone but I love to be here for someone.
Obviously I love my little sister (I would not keep on repeating the same things about her over and over if it were not he case, I mean the things I say again and again are the things I admire her for) but she has been gone for the night and I miss her terribly.
I don’t miss her because she is such a goof ball and we have so much fun together. I miss her because this is supposed to be OUR place and I want to do something for her here and I just can’t because she is not here. I mean I want to “serve” her (not in a submissive way) but she is not around and I am feeling the same way I have been feeling often.
It is a negative feeling that I just can’t name. It makes me feel like this time she is not around is lost, there is no point to this time beside maybe doing something for “when she comes back”. But there won’t be an opportunity everytime she has to go somewhere. Right now I could definitely try to organize our mess so we have some more space, I know she would love it.
then one could say “wouldn’t you love it yourself and therefore do it if your sister was not living here?” and the answers are “yes” and “no”. I would love it but I would not do it for myself.
I have the hardest time”doing” something for myself. Anytime I “do something for myself” it has to have a purpose that has to be for someone else.
I have improved.
I have not come back to the church “for my sister” although I knew this would bring her the greatest joy.
There are other little things I have done “for myself” but it is almost an effort.
Same for my calling.
I really don’t like it (although it has not been as bad as I feared last sunday) but I love to think of how at peace the parents must be and therefore be able to learn and enjoy church.
I thought I had been “taught” to do things for others. And maybe I have been, maybe it was really not a part of me at first but it is now.
The problem is that there is no balance in this and I need to learn to do things for me as well. To do good things for me because I deserve them.