Something that really does not count

But I wanted to share it with you anyway.

There is this show/game in France called “un diner presque parfait” (an almost perfect dinner). The idea is that five people get to eat at each other’s place once during one week. At the end of the dinner the host is giving a grade by the guests. At the end of the week the winner wins 1000€.
They are going to have it in St-Etienne next month and I want to participate. They called me and asked me to send pics of me and other things.
I really hope I’ll get selected. I would just love to participate. Of course I would like to win also but participating is 75% of the fun. Beside it would be my 15 minutes of fame since people would see me everyday for one week on TV.
In the mean time I am nervous, the others would probably be really good cook also and I am very sensitive when it comes about my cooking.

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Today

I was able to speak to B this past night.
He bought a new phone so the communication was MUCH better.
We did not takl for a long time because he has resolved to make an effort to go to bed earlier and I think it is good, he is right. I just could not believe how late he was going to bed when he would tell me to call him at certain times.

Then I was not able to sleep so I did myself a french manucure while waiting to be tired again. I went to bed at like 6.00 am.

When I “woke up” I found Mikki’s answer that sent me to a blog of another lady.
This woman is saying the words I could have said which made me cry and made me sad for my mom.

This is the thing, she had let the wound re-open and re-open everyday of her life since I know her and yes this is the cack through which Satan slide in.
I am so sorry for her.
I have understood something that I heard when I was a child but which was not important, it did not hit me then as it has these past days. Back when I heard it it was just a teaching, someone’s understanding and that was all.

No matter who we are, if we pretend to be christian, bearing the name of Christ, showing that we love him and we are gratefull for His sacrifice then the only rule we should go by in our relationship should be forgiveness and this is what I am praying for. When he paid the price for our sins He did it to settle a new contract. We enjoy the fact that by taking our sins upon Him God will forgive us if we repent but what we don’t undertsand is that He paid this price not only to God but to ourself.
In TV shows and in daily life we may hear people saying “God may forgive you, I will not”. This is wrong. Whe He laid His life He did it to ease us. We may have very legitimate feeling of anger and hatred to the point of wanting to see someone dead.
So He did.
He died.
He died to interfere with our need for the most passionate negative desire saying: “you want him/her dead? Ok, listen I will suffer what you have suffered and more if it is what it takes for you to feel satisfied in your need for justice. If you accept my offer, if you accept me as your debtor then you don’t need anything more but to follow my steps and be happy. Thus I will be his/her creditor and his/her sin is not your problem anymore but mine. And then, the only thing I am asking of you is to love this person as you would love God who has provided this idea for all to enjoy”
Not accepting this is basically telling Him that the price was not enough.
If the price was not enough and decide it has not been high enough, not only are we being worse than the one who have hurt us but we also gamble with our own salavtion in this way that if the price is not the right one then we can’t enjoy it ourself when we are in the position of needing forgiveness.

One thing also.

Since He was the mediator. Since He was the one paying the price for us. Who was paying the price for Him to be able to be relieved from His heartaches?
Nobody.
He paid a higher price because not only did He take our sins upon him but also because there was nobody to relieve Him from the pain we cause and the price could not be paid by someone who was not willing to drop hatred and love unconditionnaly without “a little help”.

Writing this I realize that I just droped what my mother (and I) call my “Christ syndrom”. I had this tendency (as a lot of people do) to want to save everyone from anything and actually to do my best to do it and feeling litterally sick if I did not susseed. Yes my life has been miserable when it was not necessary.
Writing these has helped me to understand that I want everybody to turn to Christ because this is the way. I just can’t do it but a way has been provided. I need to enjoy this way and to invite everyone to enjoy it.

I am so sorry for my mother, she has never accepted the price. she has accepted the challenge but she has just decided that this price was not good enough for her. She does not understand the higher law of love and doing so she has lead a horribly sad life and made many mistakes that could have been easily avoided.

This is my little sister, the one who has a hard time not forgiving, the one who is like my aunt (my mother’s little sister) who has forgiven and who is happy now. I guess forgiveness can be genetically inheritaded…just kiding

When I was a child I was a Jedi (just kiding or maybe not)

You’ve got to be french to understand this title. It is just a french song that I like.

Anyway this post is indeed going to be about a childhood experience that I use to tell about when I was a teenager mostly because I did not understand it. I think there is still no explanation to it, I mean that the exlpanation is not for me to know in this life. Or maybe what I understand now is just what it was about.

Anyway, if you grew up in the church you probably stood up when you were very little to bear your testimony on the first sunday of each month to say “I know my Heavenly Father loves me, I know JS was a prophet of God, I know the BoM is true, I love my parents etc…” If you have never done this please raise your hand (and bow your head in shame just kidding again).
In the first ward we were in, the one my mom had been baptized in I would do it every month. The ward was my family and I was comfortable. As any other child my age (about 3 or 4 years old) I did not have a clue of what I was truly saying but I did it because we all did (the primary kids) and because (I am sure that the other children felt the same) WE KNEW IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. Hard to explain but basically we knew it was right, we did not understand a thing about how important bearing a testimony is but we wanted to do it because we knew (oh please don’t tell me I was the only one feeling this way) it pleased our Heavenly Father.

The ward was closed down and we were all spread over other (and sometimes new) units.
I stoped bearing my testimony out of shyness. I just did not know these people and I was scared. We were in a huge ward, the building had few windows and there was no garden to run in with the other kids. I really missed my first ward.

Then one sunday, as all the adults stood up and bore their testimonies and I waited for this pain to be over, I heard a voice telling me to stand up and bear mine. The sentence was “go and bear your testimony”. I got scared because it was not a voice from outside and it did not belong to anyone I knew.
Helaman 5:30
And it came to pass when they heard this voice, and beheld that it was not a voice of thunder, neither was it a voice of a great tumultuous noise, but behold, it was a still voice of perfect mildness, as if it had been a whisper, and it did pierce even to the very soul.

I tried not to but the voice was insistent, so I did.

As I opened my mouth (and here you are waiting for a huge miracle) I was under the shock of what had just happened to me and I burst into tears. I did not say a single word. If you think that I was able to say anything intelligible just forget about it.

For years I have been wondering what was the good of it since I had not been able to actually bear my testimony. Then I understood that it was only for me to gain a testimony on my own before I was even 8 years old. and maybe it was the point.

But now that I am 32 I look at it as a teaching experience (along with my first testimony).

When I was really little I did not know what I was doing and it did not matter to me because I knew I was doing what was right and I was happy to do so.
Later I still wanted to do what was right but I started being afraid of doing it, beside I had acquired an understanding of how little I was in a lot of senses. I did no see the point of bearing a testimony that I did not think adults would really care about on a spiritual level. Of course I was cute and stuff but it was not what bearing a testimony was about.
Then I got this experience which has been my anchore through all these years. But the most important is that although I got scared both because of the crowd and because of the voice I still did what I was asked to.
Then as I grew up I let fear drive me (along with pain and bitterness).

Coming back to the church has been an experience that I want to others to enjoy.

I am still affraid of a lot of things. I still want to cry because I am affraid of them. But I also want to tell you that with my tears of fear there are tears of gratitude for a God who is by my side and who will not drop me if I let go of my fear.
He is aware of why I feel this way and He does not think these are minor concerns. But He wants me to know they are nothing compared to His power if I just let go and trust Him. The only power that can prevent his to help me is actually mine. So the choice is easy: do I want to progress and get rid of these fears or not? Do I want to do what is right or not? Do I want to feel He is pleased with me or not?
Do I want this feeling that drove me to write these words to last or not?

The answer to all these questions do not need to have a comlpicate answer. It is either yes or no. I am free to chose between the two and I chose yes.

What I am finding out also is that the gospel is very simple (maybe it had to be since we are so complicated). It is only a matter of yes or no and trust.

I hope I’ll never be affraid again of jumping in what I think is the unknown.
Yet I am finding out that it is not the “unknown” it is more like the “forgotten”. But this will be for another post.

Second post of the day

FRAK!
(Can you tell I am a BSG fan?)

It feels good to be back.
I was so nervous but I know I did an awesome job at not showing anything. The thing I have notice about trying to tame my emotions is that I can’t prevent them from being but I can use them, I can use their energy for something else. And the something else is to make the right choices everyminutes of the day, then every hour of the week. If I manage to make the best choices in the best spiritual condition this week I know I will be able to set a patern for the rest of my life.
One good thing about me that is where my strength comes from is that I know myself. I am not saying that if I do this my life will be perfect and all. I am only saying that if I can watch myself this whole week this will be an evidence that I have learned what I think I have.
Honestly I know I am going to make it.

I arrived first at church. The elders (who were going to fill the baptism fount) arrived after and then all the others, the bishop was the last one.

We had to do it twice, my arm came out the first time but it was not because I was scared it was because there was really not enough water.
this morning I had realized I did not have any white underwear. With the church baptism dress nobody would have known it but I would have. So I stopped by a store on my way to church to buy some.

I came back home really late in the afternoon because I just did not feel like going home right away although my feet were killing me.

You’re reading the blog of one of the most clean person on Earth…enjoy.

I need also to relate to you why I love my little sister and how much I love her.

Yesterday she has just taken care of everything concerning her moving in with me. She did it with her father yesterday so ther was quiet a confusion and a little frustration that she had not told me anything. But then when I knew that she was going to tell me about it and it was just because everything had been decided yesterday I just felt so proud of her.
I love this child.
Yes she is a child.
She is 18!
Honnestly she has not been a child since she turned 17. I don’t know what happened but when she turned 17 she just stopped being a teenager. Considering that she started acting like one when she was 14, she was a brat only for 3 years.
and honestly she was not really a terrible teenager. She was just the kind who would not open her mouth even to save her own life. Then she would just explode like a bomb for the stupidest thing most of the time regarding church topics.
She can be still a little narrow minded about some subject but honestly I like her this way and I guess she is probably more safe this way, don’t you think?

One very important thing that had been bothering me for the past days has been my father. He is not bothering me. Our relationship is bothering me.
I feel inspired to write him a letter but I really don’t know what words to use to tell him how I feel. I have been writing a first letter but I am sure that it is not the letter I should send.
I don’t hate him. To be honest I know I can say I have forgiven him everything (and I am not talking about the most obvious). but I want to tell him this and I want to invite him to repent not for me but for him.
I have forgiven him, I am not the one who need him to repent. He is the one who needs it for himself and I doubt my sisters would feel bad about him both repenting and coming back to the church. I don’t know if there is hope for my mother. I know my sisters are happy about me, I know they feel better now that it is not just the two of them in the church and the rest of the family either being outside or almost hostile. But I also know it would mean the world to them if their father would repent and be active again.

Oh! And of course thank you Mikki for the E-card.

Probably two posts again

I am nervous.
When I am nervous my body responds to it and I usually don’t like what happens.
And the thought of it makes me more nervous.

Yesterday I “secured” a truck for my sister’s stuff so she can move in with me. I told my mother it was not my job to do. But of course nobody did it. I really don’t want to be her baby-siter when she comes live with me but it is the way things are looking. Honestly I can’t really blame my sister. She wants to do what is right but when I tell my mother that she needs to do this or that and that she is not, my mom says “I will tell her, it is ok, she is learning”
No mom.
You don’t ever tell her.
It is not ok.
She is not learning she would be making mistakes that would have consequences in MY life if I were not harrassing you.

My sister would not be happy if she understood how my mother is covering for stupid things. I can’t wait until I see her and I explain to her how things work. She is only 18 and she does need to learn a lot but she is also willing to learn and will not try to find excuses or to rationalize.
I love my little sister.

Random

I saw my best friends yesterday who have taken a trip to Belgium, Nederland and Germany. They brought memories from their trips. Of course when you go to Nederland you have to bring something concerning pot. Since bringing actual pot would be illegal they brought candies.
Candies made with cannabis.
I thought it contained only a tiny amount of cannabis just like bread with poppy seeds.

Nope.

Not at all.

I had a really good evening, I saw “Batman The dark Knight”. Great movie although I am still trying to figure out what it was about.
My friends had a great time and I will never trust them again with foreign candies!
____________________________________________________________________

Today in Sunday school all who had been on a mission or who were going on a mission were asked to stand. I did. The teacher thought I was going on a mission.
Everybody laughed.
Then she asked me how long ago I had been on a mission.

Er…. ten years?
_______________________________________________________________________

Tomorrow I will be rebaptized at 3.30pm. The dress they had did not fit me (I have a big fat butt). good thing I have a white skirt and a few white shirts.

M.C was at church and I really wanted to take time to talk to her but so many poeple were there and were happy to see her and to talk to her that she did not have much time for me….this is good….
She did not come for church, she came once all the meetings were over but at least she came. Hopefully she will come more often, even if she only stays in the lobby as I used to to hear the talks without having to mingle with the other memebers. She needs to come even if she does it her own way.

Inadequate

I am glad of the new understanding I am gaining these days but I wonder if the price is not my ability to forgive. This is a subject I would like to master.

The subject of the day is my stake president (who is soon to be released).

He is partly responsible for the fisaco of the remaining of my family and he is one of the element that hurt me so bad and made me doubt so deeply that I eventually made the choices I made. He is not reponsible for my choices but he played a part in the story.

Now let me tell you about him. He have never encounter a being who after so many years in a calling still had like a neon sign over his head saying “get me out of here!”. and I am going to avoid telling all that happened over the years because it is absolutely pointless. Just one thing that is important to mention: I know he is sincere.

Thinking about the calling that is awaiting for me and the fact that I don’t care what it is I will just accept it even if I have to deal with other’s brats I have come to think about this man.

What if he found himself in the same position as this sister?
I have known plenty of men who are glad that they were taught the gospel but who would run away from such a calling. As we very often say: it is those who don’t want to serve in this position who are called. What if these men have actually said “no”? What if he has been the one understanding that the stake needed leadership no matter what? Then I guess I can only be gratefull no matter how much I think he messed up.
Now my problem is that understanding this takes away my opportunity to forgive him.

So let’s talk about my father.
The more hours pass, the closer I get to monday the less I need to forgive him, the more I am sorry for him. Seriously sorry.
Being able to enjoy the atonement brings a feeling that I try to tame because it is really too strong for me. And I know he is not enjoying it.
This is why I am sorry for him. I know it will sound crazy but I know you will understand when I say that I would be almost happy of all the wrong he has done to me and my mother if he’d repented sincerly. It would make it all worth it. If he’d repented I would not have anything to forgive him.
And I guess I am close to have forgiven him but by not repenting he holds back a joy that could be mine and this is why I can say that I have “almost” forgiven him. I don’t really harbor any hard feelings most of the time. But when I think about his state of mind then I get frustrated and bitter which may bring me to anger although now I know better and don’t go as far anymore.

I wish he would see how much is hurting himself and not gaining anything really.