I have tried again. I am getting better at it but it is just not my thing although I met nice girls yesterday.
I like to refer to myelf as a socially gifted geek. There is nothing wrong to being a geek I think if it is not out of imposed seclusion.
My best friend invited me over to a small party to wich she had invited her co-workers and their boy-friends. It turned out that the boys could not come so if it had not been for her boy-friend it would have been a girl only thing.
We had a nice evening but I just did not have anything to say. I enjoyed listening to them I guess.
I am not saying that it was a bad evening at all. It was really a good one. I am just realizing how much it is true that I just don’t like that much to talk anymore. I like to listen and look better than to share if I don’t feel a special bond with someone.
The high light of the evening for me was when one of the guest thought that I was (again) 10 years younger than the reality.
I really hope B has a sense of humor as twisted (and sometimes evil) as mine, I would like him not to say anything about me and let me deal with all the informations about myself so I can let people believe I am only between 22 and 27. This way, if we end up together I want to see how long I can hold on to such a lie without laughing….
Speaking of B I guess yesterday we could have talked too but I did not “want” to. I had a strong desire to talk to him but I did not “want” to.
It is so frustrating to have such a good time on the phone without having a chance to date before Halloween. I have spoilled all my little ways to divert my mind from thinking about the trip. I have bought almost all the candies I could think of and I am applying to this show just so that I will have something else to focuse on. There is also my moving in the new appartment and being back to school and trying to set this new club in the school I work in.
No I am not a teacher.
My position is more administrative and yet directly in contact with the teens. This position does not exist in the US.
Anyway my plan is to have them study and improve their english without making it like they are studying. What I want to do is to have “pen pals” over the net and do have web cam chat session with me to help them. This way they will NEED english because they will want to have fun. Me being there, hopefully, will make them more comfortable, then when they can point a difficulty we can work on it together.
I wish I could go on with my photography club but let’s face it, it has not been successful at all. I am hoping to make it with this other club.
Anyway, I can really say that I am at peace now.
All these things that I have written the past few days have enabled me to see life with new eyes.
Thinking about all the wrong people may do makes me more sad for the perpetrator than before.
I wonder how much evil would happen if people could feel the pain they are causing. I think that wrong things would still happen becaus some people just delight in chosing evil. But hings could be so much different. This is such a “Care Bear world” thought. LOL
I think that right now I just would like people to understand that all is well and that they may hurt when something negative happens in their life but they really don’t need to get stuck in this feeling. Nothing will come out of it. the only way to regain peace and happiness is to accept that others cannot do anything but to acknowledge our pain, not erase it, sometimes they can soften it but that’s all.
Pain only leads to more pain in one way or another.
It feels like I have now “soft spots” and not “weak spots” anymore.
What I mean is that I used to be very sympathetic, I use to feel really strongly other’s pains and it would really drag my strength out of me. I could get hurt for someone worse than if it had happened to me.
It feels like now I am beyond this. I know where this pain can lead them for worse or better. I wish there was a way to make sure they all make the righ choice. But this is not God’s plan. They cannot learn this way, they cannot grow and they cannot understand how much they are loved by God if I can make them make the right choices. At best they can love me and trust me if I say that there is a God who love them more than I could, but they cannot know it for themself. And this is a big deal.
The more I think about people who cannot find their way to our Heavenly Father the more I am sad for them. What a waist of time. What a waist of love.