I was able to speak to B this past night.
He bought a new phone so the communication was MUCH better.
We did not takl for a long time because he has resolved to make an effort to go to bed earlier and I think it is good, he is right. I just could not believe how late he was going to bed when he would tell me to call him at certain times.
Then I was not able to sleep so I did myself a french manucure while waiting to be tired again. I went to bed at like 6.00 am.
When I “woke up” I found Mikki’s answer that sent me to a blog of another lady.
This woman is saying the words I could have said which made me cry and made me sad for my mom.
This is the thing, she had let the wound re-open and re-open everyday of her life since I know her and yes this is the cack through which Satan slide in.
I am so sorry for her.
I have understood something that I heard when I was a child but which was not important, it did not hit me then as it has these past days. Back when I heard it it was just a teaching, someone’s understanding and that was all.
No matter who we are, if we pretend to be christian, bearing the name of Christ, showing that we love him and we are gratefull for His sacrifice then the only rule we should go by in our relationship should be forgiveness and this is what I am praying for. When he paid the price for our sins He did it to settle a new contract. We enjoy the fact that by taking our sins upon Him God will forgive us if we repent but what we don’t undertsand is that He paid this price not only to God but to ourself.
In TV shows and in daily life we may hear people saying “God may forgive you, I will not”. This is wrong. Whe He laid His life He did it to ease us. We may have very legitimate feeling of anger and hatred to the point of wanting to see someone dead.
So He did.
He died to interfere with our need for the most passionate negative desire saying: “you want him/her dead? Ok, listen I will suffer what you have suffered and more if it is what it takes for you to feel satisfied in your need for justice. If you accept my offer, if you accept me as your debtor then you don’t need anything more but to follow my steps and be happy. Thus I will be his/her creditor and his/her sin is not your problem anymore but mine. And then, the only thing I am asking of you is to love this person as you would love God who has provided this idea for all to enjoy”
Not accepting this is basically telling Him that the price was not enough.
If the price was not enough and decide it has not been high enough, not only are we being worse than the one who have hurt us but we also gamble with our own salavtion in this way that if the price is not the right one then we can’t enjoy it ourself when we are in the position of needing forgiveness.
One thing also.
Since He was the mediator. Since He was the one paying the price for us. Who was paying the price for Him to be able to be relieved from His heartaches?
He paid a higher price because not only did He take our sins upon him but also because there was nobody to relieve Him from the pain we cause and the price could not be paid by someone who was not willing to drop hatred and love unconditionnaly without “a little help”.
Writing this I realize that I just droped what my mother (and I) call my “Christ syndrom”. I had this tendency (as a lot of people do) to want to save everyone from anything and actually to do my best to do it and feeling litterally sick if I did not susseed. Yes my life has been miserable when it was not necessary.
Writing these has helped me to understand that I want everybody to turn to Christ because this is the way. I just can’t do it but a way has been provided. I need to enjoy this way and to invite everyone to enjoy it.
I am so sorry for my mother, she has never accepted the price. she has accepted the challenge but she has just decided that this price was not good enough for her. She does not understand the higher law of love and doing so she has lead a horribly sad life and made many mistakes that could have been easily avoided.
This is my little sister, the one who has a hard time not forgiving, the one who is like my aunt (my mother’s little sister) who has forgiven and who is happy now. I guess forgiveness can be genetically inheritaded…just kiding