You’ve got to be french to understand this title. It is just a french song that I like.
Anyway this post is indeed going to be about a childhood experience that I use to tell about when I was a teenager mostly because I did not understand it. I think there is still no explanation to it, I mean that the exlpanation is not for me to know in this life. Or maybe what I understand now is just what it was about.
Anyway, if you grew up in the church you probably stood up when you were very little to bear your testimony on the first sunday of each month to say “I know my Heavenly Father loves me, I know JS was a prophet of God, I know the BoM is true, I love my parents etc…” If you have never done this please raise your hand (and bow your head in shame just kidding again).
In the first ward we were in, the one my mom had been baptized in I would do it every month. The ward was my family and I was comfortable. As any other child my age (about 3 or 4 years old) I did not have a clue of what I was truly saying but I did it because we all did (the primary kids) and because (I am sure that the other children felt the same) WE KNEW IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. Hard to explain but basically we knew it was right, we did not understand a thing about how important bearing a testimony is but we wanted to do it because we knew (oh please don’t tell me I was the only one feeling this way) it pleased our Heavenly Father.
The ward was closed down and we were all spread over other (and sometimes new) units.
I stoped bearing my testimony out of shyness. I just did not know these people and I was scared. We were in a huge ward, the building had few windows and there was no garden to run in with the other kids. I really missed my first ward.
Then one sunday, as all the adults stood up and bore their testimonies and I waited for this pain to be over, I heard a voice telling me to stand up and bear mine. The sentence was “go and bear your testimony”. I got scared because it was not a voice from outside and it did not belong to anyone I knew.
And it came to pass when they heard this voice, and beheld that it was not a voice of thunder, neither was it a voice of a great tumultuous noise, but behold, it was a still voice of perfect mildness, as if it had been a whisper, and it did pierce even to the very soul.
I tried not to but the voice was insistent, so I did.
As I opened my mouth (and here you are waiting for a huge miracle) I was under the shock of what had just happened to me and I burst into tears. I did not say a single word. If you think that I was able to say anything intelligible just forget about it.
For years I have been wondering what was the good of it since I had not been able to actually bear my testimony. Then I understood that it was only for me to gain a testimony on my own before I was even 8 years old. and maybe it was the point.
But now that I am 32 I look at it as a teaching experience (along with my first testimony).
When I was really little I did not know what I was doing and it did not matter to me because I knew I was doing what was right and I was happy to do so.
Later I still wanted to do what was right but I started being afraid of doing it, beside I had acquired an understanding of how little I was in a lot of senses. I did no see the point of bearing a testimony that I did not think adults would really care about on a spiritual level. Of course I was cute and stuff but it was not what bearing a testimony was about.
Then I got this experience which has been my anchore through all these years. But the most important is that although I got scared both because of the crowd and because of the voice I still did what I was asked to.
Then as I grew up I let fear drive me (along with pain and bitterness).
Coming back to the church has been an experience that I want to others to enjoy.
I am still affraid of a lot of things. I still want to cry because I am affraid of them. But I also want to tell you that with my tears of fear there are tears of gratitude for a God who is by my side and who will not drop me if I let go of my fear.
He is aware of why I feel this way and He does not think these are minor concerns. But He wants me to know they are nothing compared to His power if I just let go and trust Him. The only power that can prevent his to help me is actually mine. So the choice is easy: do I want to progress and get rid of these fears or not? Do I want to do what is right or not? Do I want to feel He is pleased with me or not?
Do I want this feeling that drove me to write these words to last or not?
The answer to all these questions do not need to have a comlpicate answer. It is either yes or no. I am free to chose between the two and I chose yes.
What I am finding out also is that the gospel is very simple (maybe it had to be since we are so complicated). It is only a matter of yes or no and trust.
I hope I’ll never be affraid again of jumping in what I think is the unknown.
Yet I am finding out that it is not the “unknown” it is more like the “forgotten”. But this will be for another post.