I am glad of the new understanding I am gaining these days but I wonder if the price is not my ability to forgive. This is a subject I would like to master.

The subject of the day is my stake president (who is soon to be released).

He is partly responsible for the fisaco of the remaining of my family and he is one of the element that hurt me so bad and made me doubt so deeply that I eventually made the choices I made. He is not reponsible for my choices but he played a part in the story.

Now let me tell you about him. He have never encounter a being who after so many years in a calling still had like a neon sign over his head saying “get me out of here!”. and I am going to avoid telling all that happened over the years because it is absolutely pointless. Just one thing that is important to mention: I know he is sincere.

Thinking about the calling that is awaiting for me and the fact that I don’t care what it is I will just accept it even if I have to deal with other’s brats I have come to think about this man.

What if he found himself in the same position as this sister?
I have known plenty of men who are glad that they were taught the gospel but who would run away from such a calling. As we very often say: it is those who don’t want to serve in this position who are called. What if these men have actually said “no”? What if he has been the one understanding that the stake needed leadership no matter what? Then I guess I can only be gratefull no matter how much I think he messed up.
Now my problem is that understanding this takes away my opportunity to forgive him.

So let’s talk about my father.
The more hours pass, the closer I get to monday the less I need to forgive him, the more I am sorry for him. Seriously sorry.
Being able to enjoy the atonement brings a feeling that I try to tame because it is really too strong for me. And I know he is not enjoying it.
This is why I am sorry for him. I know it will sound crazy but I know you will understand when I say that I would be almost happy of all the wrong he has done to me and my mother if he’d repented sincerly. It would make it all worth it. If he’d repented I would not have anything to forgive him.
And I guess I am close to have forgiven him but by not repenting he holds back a joy that could be mine and this is why I can say that I have “almost” forgiven him. I don’t really harbor any hard feelings most of the time. But when I think about his state of mind then I get frustrated and bitter which may bring me to anger although now I know better and don’t go as far anymore.

I wish he would see how much is hurting himself and not gaining anything really.

5 thoughts on “Inadequate

  1. Oh, I love that video. It just made me cry. Really, all debts have already been mediated for us, we just have to give it over to Christ, and accept Him as our debtor.
    You’re right, he is just hurting himself by not repenting. I hope you can get past this particular struggle. I understand it is difficult. But, if you can forgive him, then the struggle becomes his alone. It then is his issue before God and not yours anymore. Does that make sense? I’ll be thinking of you all weekend, and Monday especially. Best wishes!!

  2. I have no idea why this hit me, since it doesn’t deal with your father and might not deal with your Stake President, but . . . here goes:

    There is a bishop in our stake who was released recently. There are some issues that arose during his tenure, due mostly with personality issues. He is very much a black-and-white, do-it-my-way person. The point?

    That sort of personality is exactly what the WARD needed at the time, even though it wasn’t what some individual members needed. During the course of his time as bishop, there were certain issues that threatened to tear apart the ward, and it required an incredibly strong, unbending person to stop that from happening. The Lord knew that would happen before it happened, so He called this man as Bishop – even though He also knew it would cause individual pain in the process. The survival of the ward was a higher priority **for the Bishop**, since other members of the ward could step in and support the other individuals who had personality conflicts with the Bishop. Also, very few people in the ward knew about the issues that were threatening the ward, since they were handled behind the scenes. Many of the ward members saw the individual personality clashes, but very few knew the real inspiration behind the Bishop’s calling.

    I have no idea why your Stake President was called. None, whatsoever. I just know there is a chance that there was stuff happening that needed him – and only him – despite any other issues.

    Again, I don’t know why that hit me, but I hope it helps you somehow.

  3. It would be too long to explain but basically what he said and does would be great in a sitcom about spirituality if it had not been the real life.
    The issue is actually the opposite of what you explained about this bishop. the problem is that (I don’t know how he managed to do that) but in every tricky situation he chose the wrong side. He “chose” the side of the abuser or liar or whatever. the thing is that I really think that he tried to extend mercy to this people but instead of doing it he just got along with their lies and rebuked or disregarded the others pain, sometimes causing more.
    I know he did not really chose the evil side but the problem is that he never stated clearly what was his position in the situations I know, thus leaving space for interpretation of his behavior which was quiet puzzling.
    When he talked to me when I asked to be re-integrated I knew he wanted to reach to me but the things he said were just plain wrong and it took me tones of both humilty and motivation not to hang up the phone. I really don’t think he meant to hurt me. It just feels like he says what is on his mind without thinking twice. He did not say anything AGAINST ME, it is just that I was in chock and deply disturbed. The people I have explained this to never thought it was right to say these things to me. Not because it was bad, just because some truth need not to be told right away.

  4. Got it. That makes sense. Thanks for clarifying.

    Sometimes mercy really does need to let justice take its course.

  5. You know what? I am 100% sure that I am right about this issue.
    No, actually I am 200% sure I am right.
    Yet, you felt you had to tell me about this bishop and I feel strongly that although I am right (because it is so obvious) there is a reason why you wrote this.
    I feel it extremly strongly.
    In the end I am back to the church, I am in the process of writing a letter to my father, hopefully someday my mother will also repent and all the other wrong I think he has done will eventually fall back into their right place.
    But the good thing(s?) he must have done could only be done by him and nobody else.

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