Inadequate

I am glad of the new understanding I am gaining these days but I wonder if the price is not my ability to forgive. This is a subject I would like to master.

The subject of the day is my stake president (who is soon to be released).

He is partly responsible for the fisaco of the remaining of my family and he is one of the element that hurt me so bad and made me doubt so deeply that I eventually made the choices I made. He is not reponsible for my choices but he played a part in the story.

Now let me tell you about him. He have never encounter a being who after so many years in a calling still had like a neon sign over his head saying “get me out of here!”. and I am going to avoid telling all that happened over the years because it is absolutely pointless. Just one thing that is important to mention: I know he is sincere.

Thinking about the calling that is awaiting for me and the fact that I don’t care what it is I will just accept it even if I have to deal with other’s brats I have come to think about this man.

What if he found himself in the same position as this sister?
I have known plenty of men who are glad that they were taught the gospel but who would run away from such a calling. As we very often say: it is those who don’t want to serve in this position who are called. What if these men have actually said “no”? What if he has been the one understanding that the stake needed leadership no matter what? Then I guess I can only be gratefull no matter how much I think he messed up.
Now my problem is that understanding this takes away my opportunity to forgive him.

So let’s talk about my father.
The more hours pass, the closer I get to monday the less I need to forgive him, the more I am sorry for him. Seriously sorry.
Being able to enjoy the atonement brings a feeling that I try to tame because it is really too strong for me. And I know he is not enjoying it.
This is why I am sorry for him. I know it will sound crazy but I know you will understand when I say that I would be almost happy of all the wrong he has done to me and my mother if he’d repented sincerly. It would make it all worth it. If he’d repented I would not have anything to forgive him.
And I guess I am close to have forgiven him but by not repenting he holds back a joy that could be mine and this is why I can say that I have “almost” forgiven him. I don’t really harbor any hard feelings most of the time. But when I think about his state of mind then I get frustrated and bitter which may bring me to anger although now I know better and don’t go as far anymore.

I wish he would see how much is hurting himself and not gaining anything really.

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