How to explain to her?

There is this sister at church who opened up to me about her concerne of ever getting a chance to get married. I know she was sincerly sharing something and I tried to treat her as kindly as I could. She shared with me the question she is having about what she is doing wrong or not doing at all. I know this answer but how to tell her that she is stupid?

Now that I sound cruel to you let me explain it and maybe someone can help me find a way to explain to her what is wrong with her in a way that won’t be as blunt! LOL

She is a chinese student who converted to the gospel when she came studying in France. So not only is she a faithfull LDS (yes she is) with a strong testimony but she is also hard working, she is mastering in her major and working part time to pay for university when all the other student don’t even pass the bachelor degree.

She is not bad looking and she caught up our way to live and our culture pretty fast.

And now you are wondering how I manage to say that she is not that sharp after portraying such a fine person.

Here is the thing.

I have tried a few times to talk to her about her view on life and people, her answer has been that she does not want to acknowledge how evil people may be. It is a choice that I can respect because even if this sound to me a little extreme it may be a way to encourage others to be the best they can be. SO, although I disagree I can respect her point of view pretty easily. But let me tell you how far she pushes it.

She knows about my father and about the fact that he is not a good person. When he tried to date her (yes, you read it well, he tried to date her although she is younger than me) she quickly turned him over to one of her friend who eventually married him.

I guess since everybody is good and we are all wonderfull people she is probably happy that the two got married. Happy world all is well!

Last sunday to introduce her concerne she told me how excited she was that my “officially step mother” was going to have a baby in September.

Let us all remain the story:

My father molested me, he cheated on my mother (and she had to be cured for a disease he had caught and had transmited to her), he beat her up a few times, he threatened to kill her just before I went on my mission, he blackmailed me on my mission. When I came back I was not able to sue him for what he had done but I was able to sue him for child support to help me with university which was only a twisted way to get from him the child support my mother was supposed to get for my sisters. So I never got a penny from him despite all that he owed me on any level.

And I should rejoice over his new child?????????

I am not really angry although a tiny part of me is. I am more astonished even if happened days ago. I still can’t believe that people expect me to be happy for him. I don’t wish this child anything but the best on Earth. But please don’t ask me to be happy for my father.

The problem is that this young sister (25 years old) does not see anything wrong with anything that I have stated. And she can be loud in her way to express this kind of thing. Seriously, I know that despite all the positive points she has for herself most people would not want a partner who could behave this way and think this way.

How to tell her without sounding like I am mad at her and without hurting her feelings? Even if it would relieve me to punch her in the face I know it would not only NOT SOLVE the problem for me or for her but it could also increase it. And honnestly, althoug it would be a relief, I just don’t feel like hurting her.

Now that I have expressed it the tiny anger has left me and instead I feel sad for her.

4 thoughts on “How to explain to her?

  1. Wow! She does seem to be a bit dense, ‘er I mean naive.
    Well, perhaps for starters, pray for insight from Heavenly Father. (I’m stalling, because I don’t really know what to tell you.)
    Perhaps, say something like, “well if you’re into incest and abuse, I know this really terrific guy…” Ok, probably not such a great idea.
    Maybe there’s something in her culture that makes the sort of things you’ve been through not such a big deal?
    Maybe the best thing to do is say something like, “I appreciate and respect your view on things, but that’s not really my view of things. And I can’t be happy for my father at this time. I can only pray for the safety and well being of the baby he’s bringing into the world.”
    As far as her concern about finding a husband, I’d probably just tell her to be herself, serve others, and not focus too intently on pursuing a man. Those things seem to have a way of happening in their due course anyway, and she’d be better served just trying to improve herself, which it sounds like she’s doing a great job of already.

  2. I really love it! It could really be a good way to answer her when she says things like this to me. I mean the thing about telling her that I will be praying LOL
    The thing is that anytime she opens her mouth something like this comes out. Not always as bad but you probably understand what I mean.
    And yes, I eventual came to the point where I wonder if it is not just a cultural problem. It is hard to imagine. I tend to believe that it is more because she lives in a Care Bear world but it could just be because in China molestation is not a big deal.
    And I am not going to tell her to be herself because I actually think it is the problem! LOL

  3. Fwiw, I think about the only thing you can do it pray for her – and perhaps tell her that you also will pray that your new half-sister isn’t molested by her father.

    As for her concerns about not finding a husband, my advice would be much like mikki’s:

    Focus on becoming the best person you can be, date as much as you feel comfortable dating and quit trying to “find” a man. If she focuses on her own growth and self-worth, God will find someone for her – and he will be the right one. If she tries to do it herself, she probably will find the wrong one.

    Of course, she needs to meet potential partners, but she has to let go of the worry – or it will lead her to rush into the wrong arrangement.

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