I had forgotten

I had forgotten this feeling.
One of the thing I wanted to get rid off when I was excommunicated was this feeling of duty that was really a pressure to me. Part of the reason why I felt under pressure was the fact that I thought I had to be perfect in my callings and not making it was a source of sorrow.

My bishop told me in a scary way again that he is going to give me a calling. the reason why it was a little scary is because it was right after the baptism interview. I feel they are going to stuck me in the nursery. Do you know how much I love brats? What is worse? RS or nursery????This is a tough one.

Anyway, I have been a little frustrated because I have not been able to talk and say things that were important to me. But you know what? It really does not matter. It does not at all. It was important to me at this moment and if I look back it still looks important but in the end, it does not change my purpose the least. So I guess it is only as important as I make it. And I will have other frustrating moments so I should really not start counting them down or they are soon going to be the only thing in my life.

In the end I explained that I did not want anyone here but MC. Since everyone is pretty flexible the day and time were set up according to her availibility. So it is going to be on monday at 3.30 pm.

Thank you so much for your prayers. I really needed it.
As I have said I did not need to feel God’s love as strong as I have , what I mean is that I need Him and His love but I did not need a special testimony, I have had it already. But it was good to know that people were with me. Not that the bishop had anything against me but it was more scary for me than when I was excommunicated.
I can tell now what I was scared of.
When I was excommunicated I knew there was nothing worse that could happen to me and I actually I was hopping it. So I knew I was going to be given the answer I really desired.
This time there could have been another option and it was not only up to me.
God could have put me through a test after all. Not that I don’t have a righteous desire but he could have wanted to test me to see if I really meant it when I said that I did not care what it ook to get rebaptized as long as it happened. Do you know what I mean? Anything could have happened.

But I got the answer I was hopping. In the end, despite the fact that I would have been crushed if I had been given a negative answer I know I would have accepted it. I am the one who messed up, and even if I think that I am sorry, even if I have learned, even if I am repenting I just don’t know what is ahead and I don’t know what I need to learn that is not obvious.

Do you want to know something that is funny?

In a lesser way I have been through this gain. But this time I knew what button he was trying to push.
I also know that if I learn he does too. And the only way for me to avaoid any wrong situation in the futur is just to keep it to the basics: scritptures, prayer, commandements.

Thank you all for being here for me.

7 thoughts on “I had forgotten

  1. Congrats. Now you can let go of everything and start fresh. There is no more need to even remember anything that happened.
    Stop beating your self up. Heavenly Father doesn’t expect us to be perfect. He knows we can’t be. Try to remember that He also has a great sense of humor. When we are stressing about how we aren’t living up, we are actually taking our lives into our own hands and not allowing Him to lead us.

    It’s ok to say no to a calling. Some callings are out of desperation, not inspiration. You can also always say I need to pray about it and get back to you. Then do it. You will know if the calling is from the Lord.

    Heavenly Father does not expect us to follow blindly. He wants us to commune with him about everything, and we have the gift of the Holy Ghost also, not just your ward leaders or priesthood holders.

    If I was called to nursery I would not deal with it well if I accepted the calling knowing that I would hate every second of it and that would not be good for the kids either.

    Blessed be. Sending love and light to you from far away, Sister.

  2. Even if I am called in nursery I will say yes. Not because I like it and not because I would feel guilty saying “no”. But because I want to give a little back to the ward who has supported me. I know that if I am really not ok I can turn to the bishop and ask to be released. I am not going to go beyond my strength but I do want to make an effort.
    I don’t remember where I read this, I just know it was on someone’s blog.
    It was about someone complaining that this sister was really not fit for the calling she had received and it was just unbelievable that the bishop had actually received an inspiration to call HER. Latter this person found out that the reason this sister was there was because all the others the bishop may have been inspired to call had declined the responsability.
    I don’t care whether he is inspired or not. Either way I am needed. If I feel that this is too much then I will pray for strength and inspiration, if it does not work I will ask for a blessing, if it does not work I will talk to the bishop, if it does not work I will ask to be released. Hopefully by the time I will have gone through all the option someone else will need to be called to serve in this position ;o)

  3. CONGRATULATIONS!! I wish I could be there, but I don’t think you could pay for the expenses. *grin*

    I don’t remember if I shared this with you or not, but Pres. Monson said in October 2007 (Three Goals to Guide Us):

    “My dear sisters, do not pray for tasks equal to your abilities, but pray for abilities equal to your tasks. Then the performance of your tasks will be no miracle. You will be the miracle.”

    Right now, you ARE the miracle. Remember that.

  4. great comments here I think. I think there is correctness in all of them. I understand your desire to take any calling offered. I think that’s great. I think you have the right frame of mind to give it your best effort, and go from there. I think susanne is right that sometimes you need to say no. Don’t know if this is that instance. Only you and our Father in Heaven knows that. Perhaps it’s a way to help you prepare your heart for children (your upcoming trip to the states?)
    I absolutely agree that we are STRIVING for perfection, and it will NOT be attained in this life. So don’t beat yourself up if you make a mistake here or there. It’s all part of the process. We learn so much from our mistakes. But you know all this already I think.
    Congratulations! I’ll be thinking about you on Monday.

  5. I am actually the hidden daughter of Doctor House and Patty Hewes but this is a secret. And if you don’t understand this just watch an episode of these shows.
    I needed to be a little sarcastic before going to bed ;o)

  6. Pingback: Inadequate « Back and then…

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