I had forgotten

I had forgotten this feeling.
One of the thing I wanted to get rid off when I was excommunicated was this feeling of duty that was really a pressure to me. Part of the reason why I felt under pressure was the fact that I thought I had to be perfect in my callings and not making it was a source of sorrow.

My bishop told me in a scary way again that he is going to give me a calling. the reason why it was a little scary is because it was right after the baptism interview. I feel they are going to stuck me in the nursery. Do you know how much I love brats? What is worse? RS or nursery????This is a tough one.

Anyway, I have been a little frustrated because I have not been able to talk and say things that were important to me. But you know what? It really does not matter. It does not at all. It was important to me at this moment and if I look back it still looks important but in the end, it does not change my purpose the least. So I guess it is only as important as I make it. And I will have other frustrating moments so I should really not start counting them down or they are soon going to be the only thing in my life.

In the end I explained that I did not want anyone here but MC. Since everyone is pretty flexible the day and time were set up according to her availibility. So it is going to be on monday at 3.30 pm.

Thank you so much for your prayers. I really needed it.
As I have said I did not need to feel God’s love as strong as I have , what I mean is that I need Him and His love but I did not need a special testimony, I have had it already. But it was good to know that people were with me. Not that the bishop had anything against me but it was more scary for me than when I was excommunicated.
I can tell now what I was scared of.
When I was excommunicated I knew there was nothing worse that could happen to me and I actually I was hopping it. So I knew I was going to be given the answer I really desired.
This time there could have been another option and it was not only up to me.
God could have put me through a test after all. Not that I don’t have a righteous desire but he could have wanted to test me to see if I really meant it when I said that I did not care what it ook to get rebaptized as long as it happened. Do you know what I mean? Anything could have happened.

But I got the answer I was hopping. In the end, despite the fact that I would have been crushed if I had been given a negative answer I know I would have accepted it. I am the one who messed up, and even if I think that I am sorry, even if I have learned, even if I am repenting I just don’t know what is ahead and I don’t know what I need to learn that is not obvious.

Do you want to know something that is funny?

In a lesser way I have been through this gain. But this time I knew what button he was trying to push.
I also know that if I learn he does too. And the only way for me to avaoid any wrong situation in the futur is just to keep it to the basics: scritptures, prayer, commandements.

Thank you all for being here for me.

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