Akward and sweet moment

My little sister turned 18 yesterday. This means that today she was supposed to be in RS with me but she said that she wil come next week instead. She’d better. Having her in RS is probably the only thing that is going to keep me going.
I remember my first sunday in RS when I turned 18 very well.
there was another young woman born the same month just ten days after me and although we did not get along that well back then I would have been happy if I had been able to wait for her to go to RS for the first time. Nobody thought it would be smart to let me in YW for two more sundays. Oh well! I is not like there is anything we can change now.
Anyway I hated Rs before I was there and I still do. I feel just no connection but I am going still.
Why?
As a part of my deal with God when I was excommunicated I had made the vow to keep on coming to church, to make a special effort to come. But I meant only to scacrament meeting because this is the only real part that matters to our salvation.
Now that I commited myself to come back I have decided that I will go to RS no matter how much I loath it just as a way to prove my sincerity to our Heavenly Father. It may not be where I want to be but it is where he wants me to be and that’s all that matters.

In the end, to conclude the lesson the RS president asked me to say the closing prayer. I quickly declined because I am not sure I am allowed to. Not that I am not allowed to pray but I really don’t know if I can say the closing prayer in this situation or not. I know I can’t in sacrament meeting for example but how about RS?
Anyway, it was akward but the RS president quickly and nicely turned to someone else.

I talked to her just after it telling her about the situation I am in (file lost, July being the month when the church administration is on vacation etc…) and she was surprised. She thought the whole thing was over and I thought it was sweet to have her thinking that it was over. I know she does because I come to church each sunday (but last week since I was at my mom’s) for the three full hours and I come dressed in sabbath clothes (I did not before). It was nice to feel that she did not see a difference between how I am and how a member-me would be.

Actually this RS president is a convert and she has never seen me being both a member and being worthy. I wonder if she will see a difference. It is kind of funny to think that she knew me when I was a member but not being worthy, then she knew me as excommunicated, now she sees me as someone who wants to come back to the church and who does everything for but I am not a real member yet. LOL. She basically only knows the worse me.

Talking about another subject that I really wanted to share with you I am currently reading Alma 34. I take my time to read it again because I just love it. I love Alme 32 and 33 too.
It is funny to see how much I have learned and I felt like crying when I read Alma 32: 21 to the end of the chapter.
This is the famous faith/seed thing.
I knew it on my mission; I had heard it thousands of times before my mission and it just never hit me emotionnaly as it did when I read it again. The thing that made me wanna cry was a little blue question mark that I had drew beside it. I remember on my mission, serving in Marana, Az, reading it and being like “what the heck?”
I remember vividly thinking that I understood this seed thing but why was he going on and on about the seed growing and blah blah blah… I remember clearly feeling bored by all his crazy stuuf that I thought was way over what was needed. I felt like he was spending way too much time on this little faith thing and not telling us enough about some more important things, answers that I knew I would need someday.
When I saw this little mark as I read these scriptures that were so sweet to my soul ten years after my mission I felt like this younger me was a little sister and not really me. I wanted to go back and to tell her not to be so light in trying to figure out what Alma was saying. I wanted to hug her and to tell her that when she does understand she will start reading the scriture out of love, out of thurst for this knowledge that she is looking for and that is right here, in this book that she as such a hard time relating to. I wanted to tell her that if she only knew what she was really teaching she would understand even better why she is sad when some people reject it. If only she understood what she was teaching she would be so much more respectfull and would not try to shove the discussions down the people throat but would enjoy any opportunity to talk about the Savior’s love.

I love how in chapter 34 we are not encouraged to “repent”. We are encouraged to exercice our faith unto repentance.
This is SO different.
Having “been there and done that” I know that the problem is not so much to repent but to think that we deserve it or that repentance is possible.
I had been taught all my youth that being a member of the church, if I got excommunicated then I was doomed. That I would never be worthy of the presence of our Heavenly Father again. I always had the feeling that no repentance was good enough, hard enough, strong enough that could actually make up for the mistakes I would make.
I was right actually, but the problem is that the atonement was excluded from the teachings I received. I mean Christ’s sacrifice was pretty much for people would did not know the gospel yet, it was a single chance for them. But having been almost born in the church this card (blessing) was just not in my hand.
How horrible.
If I ever have children I want to teach them that they have this blessing also. But like any other blessing this is not something that should be taken lightly. It is the most precious blessing and gift we could receive, the same way we treat our precious possession with care we should deal with the atonement with care, gratitude, love, respect. If I have children this is what I will teach them. I want them to feel loved, not under a pressure that was never a part of the plan, the deal, the love Christ has for us. This pressure made me miserable most of my life with little relief when I was almost up the task. This is so much like Satan’s way to deal with us. He must have had a kick when I got excommunicated.
The worse part for him is that I learn.
I had an experience when I was younger that taught me about his power. I guess back then he understood he needed to be more subtle with me. I guess he is learning that he is going to have to be even more subtle.
The problem for him is that I have learned a lot of things, one of them is to be on my guard. Another one is that even when I feel ok, I feel that I don’t really need to read my scriptures because I am too tired and I don’t feel like I spiritually need it I know I actually do and I am never too tired to read one tiny verse.
It is like vitamines.
You don’t take them because you need them. You take them because you don’t want to have to need them.

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3 thoughts on “Akward and sweet moment

  1. I also like the vitamin analogy.

    Hang in there. The time will come when you will enjoy RS – or miss it while you serve in Primary. *grin*

  2. I will probably enjoy it when I am senile! And I have been serving in the primary, I don’t think they want to see me there ever again. I think a kid or two got excommunicated while I was serving in this calling *grin*

    I know this is what is awaiting for me. The way the bishop said that he “needs” or the ward needs me (I don’t remember what he said) was scary….

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