What I have learned from my family on my mother side is the importance of forgiving which is why I am striving for it.
What I know is that there a lot of love in her family but there is stictly no forgiveness. I understand that although my mother is claiming the opposite she just does not understand this concept and she just cannot forgive. I don’t know if it is that she has not been taught or that she was just born this way.
Either way is sad.
She has been so sweet and nice for the past few days. She has made a terrific effort to be nice (this mean for most people being just normal but it is a stretch for her so it is important to me). But I am sorry and extremly sad for her. I really wish she could forgive her mother so she would let me free to forgive her too. I will fully forgive her in then but she is making it harder. I know that I will forgive this too, just because I want to, but it is taking longer because in one way I have to carry her anger and bitterness in my own life.
I can’t freely talk about my grand mother with her, I can’t freely talk about her sisters. I mean, I can as long as it is to complain or say something that is not positive. My grand mother has a lot to be forgiven for, but she is a part of my history, she is a part of me. The older I get the more I wish things were different. Not for fun, just because she has been cutting herself away from a portion of love that was hers, even if it was not the kind of love she expected or needed.
She was not the mother I expected or needed either, I have learned from her sad example that what a mother can give, although not adequate, is always better than nothing.