Sneaking

We have internet in my sisters’ rooms!!! YES!!!

My mother does not know about it yet and let’s hope she’ll never find out. The problem is that the secret is going to be left to my youngest sister to keep and we all know she is the worst at keeping secrets. If you want a news to be out just tell her!

 

All right, I am more and more disturbed by this trip to NH. I feel it is right, I feel the purpose for it is right but I have been feeling weird. Like things are getting out of control and it is right but I feel uncomfortable in the mean time. Obviously the answer is to turn to our Heavenly Father but I feel like I am bothering Him and I don’t like it. Recently I have had the feeling of being a teenager again and I really don’t like it. You know all the uncertainty and crap linked to this wonderful time. I am so unsure of everything and I am so affraid of spoiling anything. I feel so inadequate and I feel I am like having an emotionnal panic attack.

 

I have not felt this way forever. I had forgotten how it felt (THANK GOD!!!).

This is absolute bullshit.

I had some serious reasons to feel this way when I was 15,16, whatever ends with “teen”, since I actually had no experience of life. I do now. So why am I freaking out this way?

Will someone answer?

mmmmmmmm

Writting this helps me a little. I feel I am not doing something right and I don’t know what it is.

Anyway I had a great b-day. I got my two mission perfumes: Allure and Coco (both Chanel ones) and money to buy a crepiere. I had forgotten how much I loved to “wear” them. They make me feel so good, they make me love myself more in this way that I feel so much of a woman.

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10 thoughts on “Sneaking

  1. Why did you visit NH and what was upsetting about it?
    Are you coming to NH from another state to get an abortion?

  2. @Anonymous: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?????
    I am not close to be pregnant and we can have abortion in France. I would not make a trip to the US to have an abortion. And I will never have an abortion!
    I have not been to NH yet, I am going to.

    @Ann Marie: I am confused but hopefully not desperate. This is rather interesting. I thought I should not blog and yet I did, I wanted to leave a trace how I feel when I am with my mother. I wanted to have only an uplifting blog but I thought that this post was not about leaving a negative trace but a clue for others to understand how I feel when I am with my mother. I am 32 now and you know what? I am doing amazingly well compared to how I felt when I was younger. Isn’t it sad? I am here to learn some skill from my mother so I chose to be here. But you gave me another evidence that she is not good for my life.

    I don’t feel comfortable to talk about the full purpose of my motive to go to NH yet beside having fun and getting a breath of fresh air from the US.
    Lame how destroyed I feel when around my mother. I hope that if I have children someday they will never feel this way when in my presence.

  3. I attended a funeral Mass the other day. It was for the grandmother of my son’s best friend. His grandmother battled with mental illness for most of her life. His mother, who I believe is a saint, got up at the end of the Mass and expressed her feelings to all who attended. She spoke about the difficulty of having a mother with bi-Polar disease and how she was challenged by her mother’s illness. She thanked her mother for the good she was able to see. Many of us sat there wondering how one finds the good in such a difficult situation.
    She thanked her for the gift of her faith.
    She thanked her for her own personal strength she received by having a mother with mental illness.
    And she thanked her for the many gifts the rest of us would probably never see as gifts but as burdens.
    It was the most beautiful witness I’ve ever heard, especially since I also grew up with a mom who had “issues” too.
    She didn’t have mental illness, but we always have had a strained relationship due to the many issues she had in her lack of coping skills.
    After the Mass her son came to our house and I talked to him about his mother’s witness and how incredible it was for all of us to hear it.
    His response was…YES, she’s a real inspiration to all of us.
    He’s 16 years old and learning the most valuable gift from his mother..which is..compassion for others.

    They are a family who prays together. They are a family who is an inspiration for all. Yet they are a family with a mother/grandmother who had sever mental issues that many of us would have resented.

    You are from France, Then maybe you are familiar with Benedict Joseph Labre? If not, I hope you will take the opportunity to search him and learn about him.

    I don’t know your situation and maybe things are at the point where her influence or her presence is poisonous to you as a human being. If that is the case, you have quite a cross to bear yourself. But from that cross can come blessings if you open yourself up to them and see them. Many will not see them and that’s unfortunate, but through prayer I believe our eyes are opened.

    If you come to NH, there is a Church, Ste. Maries in Manchester, NH. It’s a beautiful church where you might find solitude and comfort. I hope you are granted the peace you are looking for.

  4. Thanks a lot!!!! I did not know him and I looked him up on the net. I will go to bed less stupid and with a little more knowledge to enjoy.

  5. IF you get the chance, check out the web site of Imaculee Ilibagiza. SHe wrote the book: Left to Tell. (www.lefttotell.com ) She tells of her struggle during the Rawandan Holocaust a few years ago. She lost almost her entire family and had to live in a tiny bathroom with several other women for 3 months. THe fact that she made it out alive it truly a miracle and she believes she was left…to tell her story.
    I had the opportunity to meet her and I can tell you her gift of peace is obvious to everyone. She forgave the people who slaughtered her family and killed many of her friends. Her story is incredible, but her journey through her own faith is a witness to us all.
    When you meet people like that, it always seems as if our own personal cross is minimal.
    I too have my crosses to bear, but when I read her book and listened to her story, my difficulties seemed so small.

    NH is a beautiful state. I hope you get a chance to experience the beauty!

  6. You know what? Look up Simone Veil. This woman blows, not my mind, my soul.
    There are a few people I need to forgive to, my mother is one of them but she is not the only one. Yet when I read the story of poeple like the woman you told about or Simone Veil I know I have much work to do. I mean it is easy to forgive when we just block our emotions or erase the memory out of our mind. People like this don’t forget, they forgive and they make something out of their experiences. I just want to be where they are.
    When someone like Simone Veil says that it is not up to her to forgive but to those who died I am just left pondering about what life means to her. I think I give life a great value and meaning but I believe she has a better understanding of it, something I just sense and that I would like to know.

  7. I think sometimes these people show us how to live through difificulties.
    I have not heard of Simone Veil, however I just did a quick search and I’m definitely going to read more about her.
    One of my favorite saints is Maxamillian Kolbe who gave up his life in the Nazi Holocaust so that another man, which children, could live.

    In NH I’ve surrounded myself with selfless people and so through their example I can clearly see the beauty in all of them. I’m in a faithfilled community of people who continually strive for holiness even in the small things without seeking recognition.

  8. See if you can find her book in english, I am not sure it has been translated but it could have been.

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