Hard sunday

I was happy to have my sisters with me today at church. La Blonde did something awesome in sacrament meeting to teach the members that she is the one they should look at and not have their face buried in their hymn book. I was proud of her. I was also so surprised that she did it, that she had the guts to do it. My sister and the sister playing the piano work hard together to give a real meaning to their calling the members don’t realize that hymns are prayers and that they are there for a purpose. Anyway I was proud of her.

Another awesome thing was that the bishop’s daughter in law was at church today again, she came on her own again BUT this time her husband was able to have his arm almost around her during sunday school. This made my day.

Now the hard part about today.
I have realized that my mother is NOT directly responsible for my reaction but I realized that her presence “bloked” my heart. I was not able to enjoy the spirit although I could feel it was there. I find myself in this situation again where I want to please her by pretending that I am neither on her side or on the church side but this is wrong.
Someday I will have to tell her that I intend to come back to the church and that I am sorry for her that she has not understood a thing since the time she left, I am sorry for her if she is not willing to make an effort not to come back or at least to grow up a little.
I told her that the stake presidency is going to be released and she just went crazy about the stake president talking about hos things should be and I just can’t make you feel how horrible it was. I had to scream for her to stop. Yes, my mother is one who does not understand or listen to you or respect you unless you show that you’re stronger in one way or another.
Yes the stake president screwed it up. He did and it is sad. It is also even worse that he does not seem to understand how much he has hurt us. But it is his problem. Our problem was to overcome the pain. It was not his job to overcome our pain. This just does not make sense.
HE SCREWED UP! And he is going to be accountable for it. Our job is to forgive him because not doing it is going to be even harder. And frankly I am even more sorry for my mother than I am for him. I know someday I will be able to explain to him what happened and I know that he will be sad. Honestly this man is stupid but he is not evil and he has tried his best. He failed it as far as we are concerned so what? I am not old enough to be sure that I will never do something as bad. Writting this makes me think that this is what the attonement is about. It was not just for me. It was fo him too. I am not talking about the repentence part because all that he has been guilty of is to have been stupid and not to have seeked enough the spirit for guidance. The part of the attonement I am talking about is this part that enables us to learn from our mistakes and this is the huge difference between my “stupid” stake president and my parents. My parents never wanted to learn from their mistakes because it would take them to move from their comfort zone. Yet if they had done it it would have been easier than the situations they both found themselves in very often that involved much pointless suffering.
My “stupid’ stake president wants to understand and grow.

Anyway, I hope that my mom will quickly send me the pictures I asked for.

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4 thoughts on “Hard sunday

  1. I’m very curious to know what LaBlonde did to get the congregations attention? Whatever it was, it’s a great lesson. I often try to remind myself to watch the chorister in our ward, and not just the words in the book. I’m always rewarded too, because she is always smiling so nicely.

    I’m glad you are able to see the lessons to be learned in the mistakes you’ve seen in your parents lives. We would all do well to ponder on such things and try to incorporate better solutions into our own lives. I hope some day your mother will be able to move beyond the bitterness and find forgiveness. I hope you are able to forgive her as well.
    I too, have had to deal with some of the abuse you talked about in a recent post. I have forgiven the guilty parties in those situations, but still feel I have to forgive myself on some issues. It’s not a topic I ever really discuss with anyone, so I’m surprised to be mentioning it now.
    Anyway, I’ll be keeping you in my prayers, praying everything turns out for you, as I’m sure it will.

  2. I intended to show this blog to some people and therefore I did not want to talk about “it” but Tim kind of forced me to do so. There are a lot of issues around my parents’ behavior and sometimes it is not the ones we think that are the biggest ones that have hurted me the most.

    My mom did something better than her own mother in this way that very young she taught me that if “something like this should happen it would not be my fault”. So I never felt the usual feelings people do in this situation about this kind of thing. But the problem is that she also laid the foundation of a bigger and more twisted guilt that I will talk about when I get the pics I asked her.

    And no….I am not going to show this blog as I intended to at first LOL
    And yes, I totally lack of “modesty” on this blog because I want people to know me, I want this blog to be answers for some questions that people may ask, I want this blog to represent hope for someone who wants to come back to the church but who is still too much hurting and wondering. Beside I feel fine about the people who read my blog because I am likely not to ever meet you. So in one way it makes you physically unreal. Yet you are emotionnally here and this is the part I like best.

  3. So far, I haven’t witnessed a lack of modesty in your writings, or at least no lack of decency for your readers. Your courage in sharing your journey deserves respect and kindness. You are correct in that you are not alone in your efforts to come back into the fold and be baptized.

    Many have gone through this before but with the advent of the internet difficult journeys been made lighter by sharing with other Saints who love you as a sister in the gospel and a child of God. Your approach to this whole process is helpful for others to understand it better.

    You make a good point about Stake Presidents also needing the atonement. I know the Lord wold not allow a priesthood leader to remain in a position of trust and authority who had issues with moral self-control. However, we are all aware of bishops and stake presidents who have been less than perfect in their counseling efforts.

    One of the good things about forgiveness is the ability to begin to see things the way the Lord sees them. Perhaps we will never have a perfect understanding in this life of why some decisions were made or some actions taken by his priesthood leaders. But I am confident that it will be revealed to us when we reach the other side.

    We continue to pray for you in your journey to recovery and healing.

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