(written during sacrament meeting on a piece of paper)
I thought the stake president had come because of me.
Not even close. He came with other members of the stake presidency for ward business but of course he took a few minutes out to talk to me.
“It” is taking longer and it is not his fault. He took time to do everything right because, has he said, had any signature or information been missing then it would have taken much longer. So I am gratefull for a stake president who is aware that this periode is hard on me and tries to make it as short as possible.
But July is the month when the church administration is on vacation and today is already the 22nd of June. This means that if my record is not straighten this week I will have to wait until August to hear about it again.
I thought that he was going to meet with me for another purpose and it is difficult to describe how hard it is.
I try my best not to cry and I just can’t help it. And here I am agin not taking the sacrament and not having the slightest idea of when this will end. I feel tested and I am both sad and gratefull.
Sad because it is hard. Sad because I am just a human being facing the result of her choices and actions. But I am gratefull for this opportunity to be tested on what I have learned. what I understand. My commitment. My will. How much I can humble myself without fully understanding things. I am also gratefull because I am now able to say what is “wrong” with me.
I am not the kind of person who become proud and forget about God when blessed. It is the opposite. The more I am blesed the more I am able to turn my heart to God. But this also means that I am the type of person who gets angry when unfair trials come up. There are to me at least two types of trials: the uplifting ones (what I am going through) in which God may have something to do. And the second type is the kind that comes from others’ actions in which God has nothing to do. Trials that He wishes we did not go through. Trials in which He stands outside, not being able to do anything because it is up to us to come out stronger through the teaching we have received and our own testimony. He is there and we can turn to him but His hands are bound because the only way to prevent it would be to take away free agency and this would mean to put an end to the plan of salvation. This is not an option.
This understanding brought me to this:
All my life I have worked to master the natural (wo)man and I have come to a fairly good level. But I have failed nourrishing and developing my soul. Thus I became “hard” but not strong. Hard things can be broken, strong things are reliable.
This experience I have been through a few months ago made me feel physically that I have a soul that I need to care for. The knowledge I have acquired all these years are good. I am here to acquire it. But this hunger for more knowledge and understanding and love and closeness to our Heavenly Father and whatever you may think of came from the fact that what I thought was ALL was only a piece of what I came here for.
What I want as I am ending this post is to pass this test. Feeling low is ok but this is not the only thing I should feel and this is not the feeling I should get stuck in. There are many things to learn from today and I mean to learn them.
On a totally different level guess who was at church today?
The wife of our previous bishop. She sat with her kids. I know it is not because she was there that she is going to come back to her husband. The decision is up to her. But I was really happy that she was at church and she looked happy to be here.