Today I woke up with an urge to do things that I think are really important. Usually I take care of them and then I go on with my daily life because I can’t do only what I want or feel like doing. I still have to eat or pay bills for example. Today I am having a hard time with my stake president’s slow pace to get things done. Because the later I get re-baptized the later I will get my endowments back and I want my Gs. Ok? I WANT THEM!
To give you an idea of how childish my feeling is: I am not frustrated in a rational way. If my stake president had done everything already I am sure I would get frustrated at how slow this Earth is revolving around the sun. I need to work on that one. My stake president is having a little effectiveness issue but this is not the biggest issue that needs to be taken care of in my story. the biggest one is me and the fact that I need to acquire patience. Real patience. Not this attitude that consists of not caring for what you really wanted at one point of your life thinking that if it must happened it will happened anyway. I mean it is a good way to avoid feeling frustrated but it is not patience.
I want to call my stake president but I know I will be rude or overly sweet. So no calling! No! I will not call. First I need to calm down in order to call him only if I think it is necessary. I don’t think it is neccessary right now. I just want it.
I so want to wear them again. I don’t know how to explain how much I need them. I know you can’t see me so just trust me. I have tears in my eyes as I am typing these words. I want my Gs. I swear (yes I do!) that I will do anything to be worthy of wearing them. I will not ever go the path I have been. I have learned everything I needed and I want to be tested. I want to prove that I mean it.
Oh great now I am really crying.
I know that the next hard commandment for me is going to be tithing. I already know I am going to have a hard time with this one but I want to have to follow it. I want it ok? I want to have to pay it because I want to have to overcome something again. I want to have to trust our Heavenly Father that He will take care of me. I know that I am pretty ok right now. There are certainly things I could do better but they are things I am already working on and they are no big faith issue. Only life style little things. And I am not thinking that they are not important. I know they are and this is why I am working on them too. It is just that I want to be fully tested.