I don’t have what it takes anymore

And I feel so happy!

One other good thing my mother helped me to acquire was a thirst for knowledge. Any knowledge. I am currently in the process of learning magic tricks and learning more about politics as well as improving my baking skill.  I just love to know. And more than that. I love to understand. the more I know, the more I understand, the more I can see the big picture, the more….etc

But there came a time when nothing was exciting anymore and when I had the feeling that I understood it pretty much all. Not that I knew it all (gosh I wish!) it is just that I knew so many bits and pieces of things that nothing surprised me anymore. And I realized that my thirst for knowledge and understanding has been to my thirst for spiritual understanding what McDonald’s is to french cuisine when you’re hungry. Both can feed you but it is not the same quality at all and if one is needed in some situation (extreme physical activity for example. Yes McDo can be good for something) it is not the best way to get a balanced meal.

So I have been reading articles on Mormon Matter and I have been talking with someone rather clever (just last night as a matter of fact) and all that they say is thriling, or puzzling or whatever you can say that will imply that it forces you to think out of the box or get a glimpse of the big picture.

But I don’t care anymore.

I only want to feel again how huge is my Heavenly Father’s love for me. This is what I want. I will do anything to feel it again. The thing is that I can say it without any fear. I know what he is NOT asking for much. He is not asking me to sacrifice my son (heck! He’ll have to give me one first). He is not asking me anything I can’t really do. I have felt this way before. But He was not the one asking me this.

It was so hard to understand this. I know I have a good excuse. I have been taught the opposite of what He wanted me to learn. But still. I can’t bring myself to the point where I can accept that it is ok. Because the more I try to stay at this point the more I understand what the plan of Salavation is about and the more I want to cry. I want to cry out deep sorrow for the fact that I am definitely among the soul He came to pay the price for and I want to cry out of love that will never match His.

It is like nothing matters anymore. Not the things that were so exciting to learn, nor my life. Nothing.

I am just enjoying my time here, learning what I can and not feeling low for what I can’t learn or can’t do and doing my best to be submissive to my Heavenly Father so that the sacrifice of His Son will not be vain.

I have no greater joy anymore. I am at this point of my life where I have been longing to be all my life, wandering and wondering how to get there.

I don’t have what it takes anymore to feel my mind blown by some crazy/amazing concept and I feel happy about it because I have the feeling that through love my soul can stretch and be “blown” much better than my mind will ever be.

1 thought on “I don’t have what it takes anymore

  1. Isn’t that amazing! It’s like the people who listened to King Benjamin and who no longer had desire to do evil. Their hearts were changed. It is so amazing and wonderful when we allow this to work within us. It also reminds me of one of my favorite scriptures that reads in part, “I will give away all my sins to know thee”.


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