Today was another tough one. And I start wondering if the problem is really outside. Could it be actually me who should lower my expectations? But to me lowering it means to be satisfied with mediocrity. I am not asking for women conference each sunday. I am not even asking for something that matches how it should go. I am asking for something that would not look like a huge joke.
Where should I start?
Do I need to start?
Actually I was told that RS has improved a lot since I have been excommunicated. Since two different persons told me this I thought that there could be some truth in it. So I enjoyed the presence of the mother of our american student to make my big come back.
Seriously, it was worse than in my memories.
I have been told that it is not this way usually. Then I have only one explanation for what happened (actually what did not happen): it is me.
It is my presence that messed it up. And you may think that I am being negative and I can se why you’d think so but I am not. I am sincere. There is something wrong. I knew it was not going to go well and it did not. And the only explanation I have is that my presence is what makes it wrong. I am coming back to the church and I am going to live the gospel but just out of love for my sisters I really think I should not come back.
Something else? Sacrament meeting was great. It was spiritual, and all you can dream of from such a meeting. I really enjoyed our bishop’s wife testimony. She is such a shy person. I never heard her saying something that had not been “planned”. She is a great person but I have never felt uplifted by her testimonies (the very few times she bore it) and it is really not because she does not have one. It is only because she is shy and she has never felt comfortable in being “in public” so she would hide behind common and almost empty words even if we could feel there was more behind. I guess what her son is going through is putting her in such an “uncomfortable” spot that where she eventually feels better is “in public” with us where she can bear her testimony.
The thing is that I know how much what her son is going through is terrible and how hurt she must feel. I am amazed at their ability not to show anything and even more to turn to our Heavenly Father for strength. Gosh they impress me. All of them!
I pray for her daughter in law. I try to pray as much as people have been praying for me and I know it won’t be of any good until she wants it. But I want to do it even if it is pointless right now just so God knows I care for her. Just so that he does not think that only her family cares about her. I do to. Probably not as much as they do, though.
Guillaume, who’s a “teen” in our ward also bore his testimony. This kid is a spiritual giant. He will go on his mission next year. If I were 18 I would have no problem falling in love with him. I don’t know how he did it but basically he took all the best from both of his parents and left what was not so great. I love this kid. I told my sister that she could marry him if she wanted. I was half kidding but she did not take it extremly well since someone had already told her that. The thing is that I don’t picture them together because they grew up together. I WANT HER TO BE WITH SUCH A GUY. I am fine if it is not him. I just don’t want anyhting less than him for her. He is so innocent and so wise in the mean time. How did he do it?
Anyway, beside RS which of course was hell, I had a wonderful sunday and I guess a lot to ponder about. Yeah well….of course. I don’t believe that not coming to RS ever again is a good solution. I am just being in “a bad spirit”. I guess this is the subject I need to work on: How much do I need to change/improve? And how much can I change/improve the situation?