Yesterday was the most testing day since I commited to come back to the church.
First I was really tired so I was not able to enjoy what was said at church. My sisters told me that they loved what was said and since I often aggree with my sisters I am really sad I missed out on it.
Then in the afternoon I spent time at someone I really love’s place. She had invited several single sisters (including her ;o) from almost 15 (my little sister) to 78 and it was a great idea. I would have had a great time if I had not heard horrible things, offending things, disrespectful things, terrible things under the cover of their personal gospel that they tried to sell as THE gospel. I am saying this without judging them because I understand that this is their understanding of it. But I felt sad and angry. I came close to say something very hurtful and then it would have been even worse. LOL
Let me explain why.
We were discussing the idea of repentance. One person felt it was her duty to give her version of the gospel about it. The only thing she was able to talk about was pain. And all that she was able to preach was that if you don’t suffer when you repent then it is not a true acceptable repentance.
I felt like telling her that I knew what she was hiding and listening to her I understood better why she was not repenting.
It would have been a good line but the worst thing to say ever! I knew it so I kept my mouth shut. But having to listen to her for many hours during this day eventually made me physically sick because I had to hold back so many things and I control myself so strongly that I got really sick.
So the lesson to learn is to step back when I know I know better, when I am deeply offended or whatever. I need to do it because there is no way I can change their way to be and it is not the purpose of my coming here anyway. And since I cannot do anything about I need to stop making myself sick because this is just spoiling the fun I could have.
And no. Repentance is not painful. Repentance is the bandage you put on a blister. It is the arms of your father stretched out to you when you have run and fallen on the ground. It is the plugs you put in your ears when their is too much noise in a place that you cannot avoid. It is the soft voice of a loved one who tells you to come home when you’re not feeling good. Repentance is to aknowledge how little you are and how you messed up. It is understanding that it is ok to mess up. Repentance is a relief from the burden of making everything right, everything perfect, repentance is the only mean by which we can learn and this is why we came here. We did not come here to suffer. We came here to learn. If it must go through pain then let it be. But it is not the rule. It was never intended to be. It is sometimes unavoidable but it is not the plan at first.
Only Satan wants us to suffer. Only him wants us to be affraid of the pain and therefore do everything it takes to avoid it. Either by not repenting or by putting ourself under so much pressure that it becomes unbearable. This is one of the best way to destroy our soul because we do it to ourself and we totally miss the point: the price has been paid. It is ok to mess up as long as we learn from it and don’t make the same mistake again.
You must wonder why it was such a testing day for me. Well it is because I had to avoid reacting like I have most of my life. See, the law of chastity has never been an issue. THIS IS!