Everything is fine.
I am going to be re-intregrated in the church. There is not problem. There is nothing wrong.
Now that I have stated a few things I need to write about the conversation I had with my stake president. First I must say that the more I talk with him the less I have hard feelings against him and the more I think that he is a good stupid man. I am not saying this is a contemptuous way. I cannot, I am the one who messed up. I am saying this more in a way like “brother X has a hard time with tithing, sister X has a hard time with not gossiping”. Well my stake president has a hard time with his tongue and the fact that he should keep things for himself sometimes. Now that I have said it, now that I have really gone out of the path I wanted to follow let’s randomly go back to the subject of my post.
I need to overcome the shock state I am in.
My re-integration is taking longer. The way he brought it just made me feel horrible. I felt crushed, rejected, punished for…for what? The way he started it forced me to call on all my desire to come back to listen to it with an open heart.
Then what he said was a reliefe in one way and like a block falling on my head in another.
It is only that my file “got lost”. They have no trace of it at SLC. From an administrative point of view I have not been excommunicated. God and I (along with everybody else) know that I have been. SLC has not been told. My file got lost between where I live and the stake. I am so glad that we are only 50km appart! Dang!
The stake president told me that he does not even have it in his office. It almost made me laugh.
But in the mean time I felt like the cards I have been playing with have been taken from my hand and re-dealt. It is fine. I can still win. It is just that I have to re-think a few things. I know you are going to think that this is not important at all and you are perfectly right. A 100% right. But I have to come to the fact that it is not important. The important thing is the end not the way. It does not matter if there is a lily on your way or a daisy, what could matter (not even sure it should) would be whether there is a flower or not. Do you know what I mean?
Temporal administration even the church’s adminitration IS NOT IMPORTANT. But it mattered to me. It was a part of the path I wanted to take and I needed everything to be this way. Now I have to get over this need and it is not impossible, it is just that I have this effort to make. It was more a psychological and emotional need than a spiritual need. The spiritual need was my time OUT of the church to stripe my life from what was wrong and to straighten a few things.
I am not sure I am clear about what is so disturbing to me, I have gone through to many things lately I can’t seem to organize it in a way that I can express it. And this is happening too. It is not wrong, it is just that I have to deal with it and it feels like confusing emotions.
I wish my stake president had not told me with so much details what is going on. Saying that they could not find my file was enough information. I really did not need more. I really need to explain this to him because I feel strongly that he needs to know it. It is not that I want to tell him how things are, I don’t want to “teach” him anything. I think he really needs to know that he is often giving too much information that are not good. Yeah, well you need to know that I have “heard” of him from other people. The more I think about it, the more I type about it, the more I feel it is right.
Now I must find the opportunity to do so.
I start hating words. They just don’t say what I want to say. I don’t feel it is my place, my right, my job to teach my stake president about anything. I just feel I must tell him about this.