I got an answer back from this person who sent me a mail that hurt me. He apologized and was really sweet. I appreciate it a lot. But what I tried to tell him was that he hurt me because it was mean toward a certain group of people and he did not seem to catch on at all. I know he is not evil. I just hope he would understand that this kind of thing is not funny. That there is (to say the least) a big lack of respect for some people’s belief.
Anyway I wanted to share something else for a long time and everytime it seemed that I got caught by something else. This is pretty much related to my previous post and in my life in general. When I talked to this girl about my life and my commitment to come back something came up right away and imposed itself to me as the best way to explain what happen and how I feel and I guess I am going to call it the wreckage story.
I guess this comes from the fact that I just love the ocean, I loved the few times I was able to go on a boat and I have been dreaming for a long time to be able to learn how to sail. You can leave me at 9.00 am in the morning in front of the ocean and come back at 9.00 pm and I won’t have moved. I can stare at it and forget truly anything else. When facing it this just makes me feel big, huge, powerful, peaceful. I can lose my mind and feel like I am actully finding myself truly.
But I don’t know how to sail. So this image is going to be quiet a fantasy more than an acurate comparison.
I feel like the captain of a boat called “my life” and when I started my journey I was instructed that I was supposed to carry it through whatever all by myself. I had a map and a compass and all the knowledge needed for such a journey. Even better I could even get physical help once in a while if it got too hard for me. I could ask my Heavenly Father for direction, instruction or anything. All that I had to do was to bring the ship to the meeting point.
Now the problem is that although I was given the right instructions I had people who gave me “understanding” of the instructions. THEIR understanding. And it was wrong.
So I left and I learned from my experiences but having such a twisted understanding of it I eventually found myself in a situation where I was not meant to be. Not because I had done anything wrong. Just because sometimes you cannot avoid the storm. I called on my Father in Heaven for help but I did not know I was supposed to let him take control of “my life” I had been told he wanted me to learn from my journey and that I was supposed to prove him he was right to trust me by holding on through the storm all by myself with the little help of my map and my compass.
It is stupid. A map and a compass cannot do anything against a storm. It is to lead the way not to avoid the storm. So I know He was there but just could not do anything. He could not stop this storm because it was not up to him and I would not let go. Even worse. I am a child. I cannot have a good view because I am not tall enough. So here I am. A child trying to get a ship through a storm when there is an adult right by me who knows how to sail this boat and is taller and stronger than me….
So I wrecked “my life”.
The good news was that I was able to rest and fix it on an island. The island was not my final destination. It was my luck. First I felt a little affraid and low because I just did not understand what had gone wrong. I decided I was going to get back on my track so I started fixing the boat with the help of my Father. I got mad at him for letting this happen: the storm and then the wreckage. We fixed the ship in silence sometimes for a long time. I had followed all the intructions and I had gone even further with the instruction because I tried to understand them through what I had been taught.
Second I started feeling comfortable on the island. I started feeling a little too comfortable. I started thinking that I could spend the remaining on my time on this island and that even if it did not have all that I wanted, it definitely had enough to sustain me until I die. It was warm and sunny with plenty to eat and to drink.
But I got pulled back on “my life” by my Heavenly Father. Not that he did not want me to enjoy this island. But this island was a stop only. Not the goal. Now that I had recover from the schock of the wreckage and that I had expressed all my anger I was ready to listen to what he had to tell me. And the first thing he did was to show me how I was the one responsible for what had happened just because I had not let him hold the wheel. It was not meant for me to go through this storm therefore he did not expect me to come out of it by myself. He explained that He has never been mad at me because there was no reason for me not to trust the people who gave me wrong understanding of the instructions. They were there to give the right one and what they taught me in the end was the total opposite of what I was supposed to be told.
He made me feel He was fine with me being mad at Him and not being willing to talk with Him. We had a lot before and He knew I knew how to turn to Him.
But now it was enough. I was getting a little too much free time and I kind of forgetting a few important things such as…. “MY LIFE”!
So we ‘re back on the ocean. I highly doubt there won’t be any other storm. But instead of holding on like a child I will let him take care of it.
The little yesterday event was a test for me. There was NO STORM. I just tried to see if I had learned enough to let go. It was unnecessary really. But I saw that the lesson has sunk in :o) I can let go. I can trust Him. I am able to trust Him.
PS: If you like sailing and face the same problem as I did I would advise you to get “Atonement”. This is the best brand I have found to fix “my life”. The company is own by a J.C guy who’s trying to get his stuff better known on the market. What a shame that people look for crap when this is the best deal ever. It is free actually….