Mixed feelings

Since I decided to commit myself (deeper than I ever commited myself to anyone or anything) to come back I have had comments that were the most unexpected for me.

Twice already (now you need to know that I had never been told this when I was a good God fearing member of the chuch) I had people telling me that they just don’t understand why I have been excommunicated since it seems to them that I am “so spiritual” (let me laugh for a minute please) and that I “only had questions” (yeah but what big questions).

Yes, I had questions but not only. I had questions and pains and both seemed to have no end and both were indeed intangled. Yes if someone had answered my questions a lot of my pain would have been relieved and all this would not have happened.

So what then?

I feel happy, I am happier than I ever thought I could be but I am sad in the mean time. My mother calls it my Christ syndrome and although I have almost recovered from it I can’t help but feeling extremely sad for these people I know, who are experiencing the same situation as I am, who are close to me, and to who I can’t reach. Because it is too late. Because they needed answers BEFORE they fell away. Because now they are down a path that is their own. I want to tell them I am down the very end of this path and that they should not stop when they think that it is not going to take them anywhere because it is at this very moment that they will actually not go anywhere. I want to tell them that down the path our Heavenly Father is waiting for them but that they chose one that they have to walk alone, yet I can tell them what they are going to see. I want to tell them that no matter how they feel about members of the church or how they feel about the church they still need to come to remember what were their questions because they were good ones. In other words I want to tell them not to give up.

I want to tell them so many things that I know I will sound self righteous to them and this is the last thing I want. I wish I could just let them know that they don’t have to be alone. They have to walk it on their own but they don’t have to feel alone as I did. I know that nobody in my ward went through the exact same thing I went through. But I also know that many sisters went through hard things and that they could have heard my questions even if they would not have had the answers. I know that back then it would not have helped me to be listened to only. But now it makes me feel good to know that they were willing to help me.

These things I want to tell are aimed at two sisters. One of them is my current bishop’s daughter in law. I know she is hurting. I have seen it coming because she has been hurting for a long time. I know that she will find little comfort in her in laws. Not because they are not willing to show it, just because they cannot understand what she has to say and where her pain comes from. This really makes me sad. This is such a waist.

I don’t “LOVE” these sisters. I just hate to know the pain they are in and knowing that it could end and that maybe I could do something.

I guess it is better to keep it down to praying everyday for them. I guess I need to step back and wait until I am given a role without taking it on my own. I may have the answers they need and I may know how to help them learn it.

But also I may not!

PS: four more days and I can talk to my bishop!

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