Jacob 4: 10-11

I always thought that those saying that reading the scriptures was a pleasure and that they loved it belonged to one of these three groups: Idiots, Liars or GAs.

Since I am not lying and can’t be a GA I guess I am an idiot. I almost don’t read a scripture I cannot relate to. I don’t mean that I actually need it now but I can recognize my past behavior or my current feelings or whatever.

I really wanted to write a post today but I thought I should read my scriptures first. I should be reading still and I think I will go back to it after I am done with this. I wanted to share this sripture with you because it touched me (like they all do now) and I could really relate to it.

10. Wherefore, brethren, seek not to counsel the Lord, but to take counsel from his hand. For behold, ye yourselves know that he counseleth in wisdom, and in justice, and in great mercy, over all his works.

11. Wherefore, beloved brethren, be reconciled unto him through the atonement of Christ, his Only Begotten Son, and ye may obtain a resurrection, according to the power of the resurrection which is in Christ, and be presented as the first-fruits of Christ unto God, having faith, and obtained a good hope of glory in him before he manifesteth himself in the flesh.

I have tried so hard to understand what happened. I tried sincerely and honnestly through all that I knew and my testimonies. But at one point I had to realize that it just did not click. Things did not make sense. I knew it was wrong and I knew how it could have worked out and how God could have make it work out so that all the nightmare did not happen and still we would have had the opportunity to learn. All that happened was unnecessary. So I started being really mad at God for not doing what I could figure out myself despite the fact that I was definitely not as smart as him.
Yeah I am good like that.
There was much unnecessary pain and questions. What was the point of it if it was not my own destruction? Because from my point of view it is really how it looked like. He had proved me before he could make miracles happen. I was not asking for everything to be perfect, I was not asking for anything but the pain to stop.
I told him He was cruel and unfair and that this was not love. I told him I knew He was there but I could not trust Him. There was no way I could be stupid enough to trust Him and since there was no point asking Him anything then there was no point communicating with Him.

Then I found peace. I was not happy but I had peace and it was what I needed.
When I got excommunicated (stupid ugly word) I had this strong, extremly powerfull feeling, that He loved me with all His heart and that he was deeply sorry for what had happened and what it had lead me to. I did not feel that He was forgiving me. I did not really care about it anyway. I felt that he was sad and that He loved me. I could have heard it.
Then I thought that if I had felt this way BEFORE I would not have been in this situation of excommunication!
This made me half angry and half puzzled through my newly found peace.

Then I went through the most unexpected spiritual experience and got the chance to understand what I had been taught about and what I had preached on my mission without even really knowing about it: the atonement and why and how it could take me back to my Heavenly Father. This is such a sacred subject to me that I have a hard time finding words to talk about it and yet I want to.
I have been mad at God more than I have been mad to anyone else because I felt that He had betrayed me. This feeling of betrayal was as great has my understanding of His power. If you could have known my heart at this time you would probably say that I have sinned. In one way I guess it is true. But the real thing is that I was wrong. I was mistaken in the wrongest way possible.
Anger from pain only last a certain time and then questions remain.
I guess this was the crack by which the spirit slid to reach to me.
I know that there are many subjects that God cannot interfer with, one of them being free agency. This is one of the basic foundation of the plan of salvation. There is no other way we can learn. There is no other way we can experience the sweetness and the depth of His love for us.
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. (Should I really give the reference for this one?)
Trying to grasp the atonement solution to our unworthiness to be in the presence of our Heavenly Father makes me feel tiny and dizzy like when you bend over a huge gap. It feels to me that I could lose myself in trying to fully understand everything about it because I would stop living my life (and therefore do what I came here for actually).
The thing that breaks my heart even more is that when I think about it and think that maybe I could live my life in such a way that I will start paying Christ back for what He did for me I know it is pointless. I can never do it even if I start now. This is the beauty of it. It is not a one-time-payed-for thing. It is good as much as I want it and as much as I am willing to do my best until I master in doing what I am asked to do. I don’t have to pay. It has been taken care of so I can carry on with what is important for my soul.
I don’t think I have any knowledge or understanding more precious than this one.

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