I am wondering if I should write a book with this title. I wonder if it could not the sole prupose of my life. I wonder if all have been through was not just for me to write this book.
Ok back to serious. If I ever write such a book I dearly hope that it was not the only thing God had on His mind for me or I might start crying.
I want to come back to the church. Did I mention it before? Now if living the gospel includes being part or all the mormon life then I am screwed. I have realized that it is above what I can do. Yesterday I went to this church dance that was kind of far from where I live and I don’t really know where to start to say how much it went wrong and how hard it was for me to hide it so as not to be the “party pooper”.
First: I got mad at one of the person I was supposed to go with. My feeling of being upset was legitimate but I carried it way over what was understandable although it felt right to me. Being aware of it I made like this huge effort over myself to calm down and to re-evaluate the situation.
Second: As soon as we got there I started feeling uncomfortable but I decided to take upon me to control my “panic like” reaction but it was really too much effort and I had to run away and hide at one point. The problem was that it did not go unnoticed since the person who had come to the train station to pick us up had put much effort in setting everything for us as we got there. He had bought groceries for us to have dinner all together and I just could not stay there. I felt like it was not right to be here. I just wanted to run away and to find some magic spell for them to forget that I had been there.
But not only were there no magic spell but they even called me twice on my cell phone to check on me. Once made me feel bad, the second time I felt extremly guilty and aweful. But I just could not make it. I could not handle it. I felt in danger and hurt for strictly no reason that I could figure out then. I tried so hard. I knew it had NOTHING to do with temptation or some evil power. It was not from the outside that there was a problem it was from the inside. I came to realize that I just could not feel the spirit because I was such in pain and in a such a panic no matter where I was (a church, full of people who had never done anything wrong to me, some of them having actually tried to be good to me). I realized that the reason I was not blowing everything away is that I have a testimony that I have not even asked for that I must come back to the church. That “outside” is not where my Heavenly Father wants me to be even if I feel more comforatble and secured there. I could firmly hold to it to decide what I wanted to do.
So I tried to set a “plan” to come back. Some people who did not know me had already saw me (although I was well hidden) and I knew that I was looking really weird.
I took my camera (my life-saver) and tried to be all casual and tried to go unnoticed.
Trying to go unnoticed with a Canon EOS 400D that makes this bright flash? Ok. The more I think of it the more it sounds dumb. But at least looking busy with it I avoided people’s question about where I was from and how long I have been a member and what was my name and blah blah blah. And so this is how the whole night went. and yes…you heard me. NIGHT. Because it was on friday we did not have to stop at midnight and I need to tell you that I don’t do well with sleepless nights.
See where I am aiming at?
Beside the fact that I felt overly sensitive the whole time and that I had no one to talk to about my feelings there was the time when all the people like me “not from Lyon” were dispached to members’ place (this will bring me to the good point of this story). It went so wrong that I think I will not tell my non-members friends about it because they already have a bad opinion of the church in France (thanks to me I should say). I tried to keep it to “the church in my city” so that they don’t have a bad opinion of the gospel (that they totally reject from A to Z) because it is something that matters to me and I would be sad if they wanted to talk me out of this “cult”. You know what I mean, do you?
Anyway, I was so mad and trying so hard not show it that I actually got physically sick from it. If non members in France had seen it they would have run away so fast that I think doors would not have had the time to open and therefore they would have had to leave a whole shaped like their figure.
The two foreigners laughed so hard at us. I am glad it made them laugh. It is not as if something had been out of control you know.
Anyway. After being “forgotten” in all their plans I eventually got to this members’ place, actually the parents were not there and it is one of their son who hosted us.
It was a huge house where I felt at peace. I was eventually able to calm down and rest. Thank God for members home like this one. I will have to let them know someday how good it felt to be there.