I have not come here to fail

I met with the bishop today because I wanted to talk to him about this forgiveness issue I have. I intended to talk only for 5 minutes because I just wanted to express it but not to like take the time to talk it out to totally solve it. I don’t think that he got my idea because he tried to advise me but he did not have the time to do so because he had told someone else he would meet her and she was waiting and it was hard on her because she was sick.

I really did not intend to put him under pressure. I told him that I wanted to meet with him about it again and he asked me if I could talk about it to someone else. He was honest and straight to the point, I was too. I told him no because (I don’t doubt others have the answers I am looking for but) he is the only one I trust. I don’t trust him to have the answers and I don’t trust him to be smarter or more loving or more caring. I think that many people master in these fields much better than he does (his son for example who was the bishop when I got excommuncated). I trust him to be honnest and straight to the point with me and I trust him to be more gospel oriented than most people I would/could turn to.

Beside the fact that he has no magical recipe to teach me patience and forgiveness he told me what I needed to hear that this is the way to solve my issue: prayer and relying on the atonement.

The thing is that I have a hard time relying on it and in the mean time I am upset about myself because it is like I know I can let go. I have experienced it. I know how to do it. I know how good it feels. I know everything I need to know about but I am still holding on. And there is nothing wrong realyl about it. I can take the time I need but I am mad at myself for not being able to do it again when I know I have been able to do it once. I feel like in a web and the more I try to get out of it the more I feel tangled up in it.

It is not like I am angry and I hate these two leaders anytime I think of them. It is more like they are buttons that can be pushed on to make me angry, feel hurt and therefore make me weaker. And one of them could as well be dead now or not even remember why I could be mad at him because he was already “not that young” back then. It is ridiculous. I am having all these feelings because of someone who can be dead now and not give a d*mn of how I feel because he has a thing or two he needs to take care. I want to be able to erase this things fully, without any “contempt”. I want to be able to really love these men because loving everybody in a Christ-way “but these ones” is just failing and as another local leader put it when I was a teen “I have not come here to fail”.

If anyone has a good scripture or a good experience to share, just feel welcome to type it in here.

4 thoughts on “I have not come here to fail

  1. Let me get this straight – your bishop asked if you could talk to someone else about forgiveness? That seems like the one thing the bishop should be most qualified to help you with. Perhaps he was asking if you could see a professional family counselor to find the source of the problem.

    I wonder if there is some other deeper issue that is causing you to put off forgiving these two leaders. Perhaps when you think of them, it triggers feelings from something else that is the real issue that needs to be resolved first.

    Is there someone else that is an authority figure that you need to forgive first before you can forgive these two men? I wonder if it is your father as you expressed in a previous post? Maybe it will be easier to forgive them after you have worked through your feelings about your father.

    I’m just throwing out ideas from a distance. I found that my difficulties in forgiving others came about because I subconsciously wanted and needed to deal with a deeper and more stressful issue that was hidden. It took awhile to figure it out through prayer and pondering.

    Once I identified the primary source of my pain and forgave that individual, I was then able to forgive the others who caused or triggered these same sort of feelings. It took the help of a family counselor to discover the real problem for me. Knowing the right questions to ask really helps.

  2. “Is there someone else that is an authority figure that you need to forgive first before you can forgive these two men?”
    Yep, my mother.

    And the councelling thing in your comment made me smile. He really asked me to go seek help with someone else but it was not because he did not think he could do anything. It was a matter of time, he had very little time then but as I said I did not mean to talk forever, I meant just to express something and I wanted to tell him that I wanted to work on it. I think he thought I wanted a piece of advice and felt rushed.

    Your comment also made me think of something his son, our previous bishop, told me. I have been think about writting about it for a long time but I am affraid it will “re-warm” angry feelings that I am not ready to deal with.

  3. Did you have an appt with your Bishop, or was it just a rop in?
    If you had an appt., I am appalled. If not then that would make a little more sense.
    Ask your Bishop how much knowlege he has about abuse and domestic violence. You may find he doesn’t really know much or even have any traing. LDS Social Services has a training program for Bishops dealing with abuse. Counseling an abuse victim is a totallty different thing than regular counseling of a member.
    The Church is finally coming out big time in addressing abuse. The Training program on abuse has not been available for too long.
    My Bishop was amazed. He really thought he knew how to counsel an abusive or prior abusive situation. He discovered that every piece of advise he gave, was exactly what he should not do.
    Ask your Bishop. It will help both you, and him in his calling.

  4. Pingback: I am still here « Back and then…

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