I met with the bishop today because I wanted to talk to him about this forgiveness issue I have. I intended to talk only for 5 minutes because I just wanted to express it but not to like take the time to talk it out to totally solve it. I don’t think that he got my idea because he tried to advise me but he did not have the time to do so because he had told someone else he would meet her and she was waiting and it was hard on her because she was sick.
I really did not intend to put him under pressure. I told him that I wanted to meet with him about it again and he asked me if I could talk about it to someone else. He was honest and straight to the point, I was too. I told him no because (I don’t doubt others have the answers I am looking for but) he is the only one I trust. I don’t trust him to have the answers and I don’t trust him to be smarter or more loving or more caring. I think that many people master in these fields much better than he does (his son for example who was the bishop when I got excommuncated). I trust him to be honnest and straight to the point with me and I trust him to be more gospel oriented than most people I would/could turn to.
Beside the fact that he has no magical recipe to teach me patience and forgiveness he told me what I needed to hear that this is the way to solve my issue: prayer and relying on the atonement.
The thing is that I have a hard time relying on it and in the mean time I am upset about myself because it is like I know I can let go. I have experienced it. I know how to do it. I know how good it feels. I know everything I need to know about but I am still holding on. And there is nothing wrong realyl about it. I can take the time I need but I am mad at myself for not being able to do it again when I know I have been able to do it once. I feel like in a web and the more I try to get out of it the more I feel tangled up in it.
It is not like I am angry and I hate these two leaders anytime I think of them. It is more like they are buttons that can be pushed on to make me angry, feel hurt and therefore make me weaker. And one of them could as well be dead now or not even remember why I could be mad at him because he was already “not that young” back then. It is ridiculous. I am having all these feelings because of someone who can be dead now and not give a d*mn of how I feel because he has a thing or two he needs to take care. I want to be able to erase this things fully, without any “contempt”. I want to be able to really love these men because loving everybody in a Christ-way “but these ones” is just failing and as another local leader put it when I was a teen “I have not come here to fail”.
If anyone has a good scripture or a good experience to share, just feel welcome to type it in here.